tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2009-11-09:/The Wisdom Of A Wrinkly Old Fart Staffed by Baxter, myself and trained monkeys on typewriters, we've been satirising politics, the news and current affairs since yesterday.MokoFeed2009-11-09T06:20:17+01:00tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-09-12:/2008/09/12/old-mother-hubbard-4717493/FunkyFarmer2008-09-12T12:08:27+02:002008-09-12T12:09:42+02:00 <p> Old Mother Hubbard, perhaps best remembered as the lady who went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone, has decided to take her son to the High Court over 20 years after his death because of the anguish and bad publicity his actions have caused to not only their dog, but also to the other members of her family.</p> <p>Her eldest son, L.Ron Hubbard, who 'passed over to the other side of the Galaxy' in 1986, decided that in 1953 when his mother asked him to fetch said aforementioned bone, instead of fetching the bone, or for that matter getting a job to help his poor mother get the dog a bone, he'd start a cult, a method he felt was a much easier way of parting people from their money.</p> <p>In a statement to the world's press outside the courts, a distraught, and still bone-less Mrs Hubbard said:</p> <p>"It was the final straw. After over 20 years of scrimping and saving to get my poor dog Churchill a bone, I am no nearer today solving the poor animal's bone deficiency than I was back then. In the meantime, the poor dog has had to learn how to say "Oh! Yes" in a very deep voice and make crass and unbelievable television advertisements shown on obscure networks in order to sustain his standard of living. Not only is he working for himself, but he is also having to tell all those fibs about insurance in front of millions, just like his master L. Ron used to do. Well L.Ron used to tell fibs generally, not just about insurance."</p> <p>"So thanks to my lard-arsed son who fancied himself as a god, I am now not only boneless, but potentially dogless as well. And I just can't take it anymore.</p> <p>"And that's the reason I have come to court today, to get an injunction against those Scientologist friends of his, to get them stop making money for just one moment, and help me get my poor bloody dog a bone.</p> <p>"Is that too much to ask?" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/09/12/old-mother-hubbard-4717493/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-09-11:/2008/09/11/man-arrested-for-fraud-and-stuff-4714899/FunkyFarmer2008-09-11T20:35:10+02:002008-09-11T20:35:10+02:00 <p>Llanfairpwllgwyngyll gogerychwyrndrob wllllantysilio gogogoch, Wales - Welshman Dow Jones was arrested yesterday morning on fraud charges and for impersonating a major indices. Mr. Jones, 94, was released on bail last night after posting the £894 billion bond using his two bedroom cottage as collateral.</p> <p>When reached for comment Mr. Jones said;</p> <p>"Everything was great last year, people were happy with me, always buying me drinks at the local and then it all changed. In the last few months people have stopped talking to me and I am regularly spat upon."</p> <p>Mr. Jones, his wife Nikkei and son Dax now live in fear of reprisals for what Mr. Jones says "is just a correction- we all believed we were overvalued."</p> <p>Nonetheless the charges are not likely to go away and in fact, police are considering additional charges in connection with Fannie Mae.</p> <p>"I've never even met the girl," exclaimed Mr. Jones.</p> <p>Welsh people are suffering from the fall in house prices like everyone else. The average house price in Wales has now fallen to £1.42 from a high of over £3.00 in 2006.</p> <p>The Jones' son Dax has not come away unscathed:</p> <p>"My girlfriend broke up with me when I suggested we play footsie. She completely took it the wrong way!" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/09/11/man-arrested-for-fraud-and-stuff-4714899/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-09-09:/2008/09/09/cap-this-4703010/FunkyFarmer2008-09-09T12:25:04+02:002008-09-09T12:25:04+02:00 <p>MPs 'to call for cap on migrants'</p> <p>"They need to wear something on their heads so we can spot them!" said one MP, who coincidentally has shares in a Top Hat business.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/09/09/cap-this-4703010/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-09-09:/2008/09/09/rain-and-stuff-4702416/FunkyFarmer2008-09-09T09:58:40+02:002008-09-09T09:58:40+02:00 <p> The recent widespread flooding that has affected many parts of the UK, is down to heavy rain, it has been claimed by experts.</p> <p>Some areas are still under several feet of water, including Morpeth, which has been 'officially forgotten', and, say meteorological analysts, it's all because of a bit of good old fashioned precipitation.</p> <p>Long-time Morpeth resident, Albert Spatchcock, 82, who describes himself as a 'weather expert', said:</p> <p>"It's a devil of a thing! I've never sin samuch rain. Fair cats'n'dogs. It's ruined me green beans 'n' cabbages!"</p> <p>It's the same in Lancashire over the other side of some group of hills or another.<br> In Manchester, where people start to worry when it doesn't rain, another old person, Maud Grimley, 71, told Radio Manchester's phone-in show:</p> <p>"Eyup! 'Appen it cum rart ovver top o' me wellies! Never stopped all day! Mind you, ducks'll be 'appy!"</p> <p>Staff at the Royal Meteorological Society say the weather is set to continue, and people should "get used to the inconvenience" of having raw sewage in their homes.</p> <p>Professor Ed Banger of the RMS, said:</p> <p>"When global warming kicks in, most of these Northern places won't exist. There definitely has been a lot of rain about, but on the plus side, we don't yet have a hosepipe ban. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/09/09/rain-and-stuff-4702416/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-09-08:/2008/09/08/diplomacy-4700639/FunkyFarmer2008-09-08T21:11:48+02:002008-09-08T21:11:48+02:00 <p>Ahem! How do I tell Ms Funky that the left sleeve of the cardigan she is knitting shouldn't be five foot long? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/09/08/diplomacy-4700639/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-09-08:/2008/09/08/barney-s-bull-4700076/FunkyFarmer2008-09-08T19:39:02+02:002008-09-08T21:08:54+02:00 <p>I feel a bit like the afore mentioned ..... Fed up.F****d and far from home.This wet weather just doesn't give up. Although we are well ahead of most with harvest this year. We still have 150 acres of wheat left to be cut OK.90% is in the barn but the remainder is still a lot to be hanging about, spoiling in the field. The most devastating consequence, however is having to cancel my holiday,which was due to start next Monday, the 15th.<br> Hey Ho! Wales will never know what they have missed. Nor you dear reader. You will just have to imagine all the wonderful pictures I might have posted for your perusal. Macro shots of sheep droppings ..... Brecon beacon lichen ........ Ummmmmmm? What else is there to do in Wales? Only joking.<img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/09/08/barney-s-bull-4700076/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-09-05:/2008/09/05/sex-doll-4686963/FunkyFarmer2008-09-05T18:06:51+02:002008-09-05T18:06:51+02:00 <p> Troops in Iraq have been alerted to a new terror weapon: 'Jihad Julie' is a new inflatable doll which blows itself up. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/09/05/sex-doll-4686963/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-09-05:/2008/09/05/what-4684573/FunkyFarmer2008-09-05T08:38:21+02:002008-09-05T08:38:21+02:00 <p>Education Latest</p> <p>Children starting secondary school in England this week are the first legally required to stay in education until they are 17.<br> However, those who have dyslexia will have to stay until they are 71 </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/09/05/what-4684573/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-09-03:/2008/09/03/indecent-exposure-4677677/FunkyFarmer2008-09-03T18:36:05+02:002008-09-03T18:36:05+02:00 <p>The latest Highway Code says that you MUST have hub caps on the wheels. It's classed as Indecent Exposure. Yes! You can't just ride around with your nuts showing. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/09/03/indecent-exposure-4677677/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-09-01:/2008/09/01/disabled-tortoise-dumped-4668052/FunkyFarmer2008-09-01T19:00:57+02:002008-09-01T19:00:57+02:00 <p> A 30-year-old disabled tortoise (ingrown toenails and harelip) unwittingly sent to a landfill site with its owner's rubbish, has been found alive.</p> <p>Sheldrake, a greater-crested Galapagos tortoise, owned by Gladys Hawksbill of Margate in Kent, climbed into a bin bag in search of his favourite slug n lettuce pizza left-overs and was taken to the Canterbury landfill site by refuse collectors on Monday morning.</p> <p>When Mrs. Hawksbill noticed the tortoise wasn't in his kennel or barking at passers-by she realised what might have happened phoned the Thanet Council landfill site on their emergency terrorist attack hotline and was allowed to look through the rubbish but Sheldrake was nowhere to be seen.</p> <p>Luckily Mrs. Hawksbill's alarm call had been picked up by NATO's Nosy Twat snooper satellite and the Brussels H.Q. launched a full emergency search and rescue operation, parachuting in four battalions of troopers from its elite Rapid Response Regiment onto the Canterbury landfill site.</p> <p>NATO spokesperson Col. Edna Nutcracker told The our military correspondent "The lads were all sat around on their lazy arses with fuck all to do until our next scheduled false flag terrorist operation in November, so the Joint Chiefs decided a spot of tortoise tracking would be good exercise for them until we invade Iran."</p> <p>After securing the site with a customary perimeter of anti-personnel mines and ordering an air strike to napalm the tip manager's office, the troops scoured the area through the night aided by helicopter searchlights and flares but dawn brought no success in locating the missing tortoise.</p> <p>A swift change in search method strategy was required if Sheldrake was to be found alive, so NATO Command deployed their stand-by reinforcement crack Sudanese 22nd Darfur Scavenger Battalion across the entire rubbish tip.</p> <p>Col. Nutcracker informed the assembled media "As the tip was composed mainly of bio-degradable matter such as garden waste, broken glass, rusty barbed wire, depleted uranium and semi-toxic Bono posters we decided to put the Darfur Scavengers to work.</p> <p>They hadn't had anything to eat for six weeks before leaving Khartoum, so getting them in the thick of it and let them eat their way through was the best tactic. We issued each of them with a picture of a tortoise first though, just in case."</p> <p>Within hours the Darfur boys had scoffed over sixteen tons (metric) of assorted rubbish when a jubilant cheer arose. Sheldrake had been found under a pile of discarded U2 CD's nibbling on the remains of a McDonald's Chew n Spew cheese burger.</p> <p>After a quick clean up with Mr. Sheen furniture polish and a Verison locator micro-chip embedded in his shell, Sheldrake the tortoise was delivered safely home. Yet another NATO success. Cost to the taxpayer : a measly £25,000,000. The smile on Mrs. Hawksbill's face : Priceless.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/09/01/disabled-tortoise-dumped-4668052/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-08-31:/2008/08/31/heroes-4660845/FunkyFarmer2008-08-31T10:25:10+02:002008-08-31T10:41:15+02:00 <p>Good morning my reader</p> <p>It's raining here so apart from the combine igniting I don't suppose we will get a lot done here today.<br> I found a couple of bits in today's paper First my Horoscope.<br> Leo<br> 23 July - 22 August<br> "Someone close to you will brush your arm today in a way that will make you think that you're "in there". However, what you may not see is that they have a cold and have just passed it your way via a wet hand."<br> That sounds promising,don't it.</p> <p>Then we have a story about "Heroes" </p> <p>"Collins, the makers of the famous Oxford English Dictionary, have announced that the word 'hero' is set to be given a wider definition in the next edition. The change has been in response to BBC Coverage of the Olympic Games.</p> <p>'Yeah sure there are people risking their lives for others on an almost daily basis, but can they cycle round in circles? Can they row a boat? Those are what the media call real heroes and our book should reflect that.' said Collins spokesman Herbert Rogers.</p> <p>The BBC is delighted their hyperbole has officially mangled the English language. 'In some ways, we are heroes too' said Quentin D'Auberville, head of BBC news ' In some ways anyone who comes back from a foreign country on a plane is now a hero. Except obviously Gary Glitter."</p> <p>That's it. Off to prepare for a liquid lunch.</p> <p>Byeeee </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/08/31/heroes-4660845/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-08-30:/2008/08/31/where-s-me-breakfast-4659966/FunkyFarmer2008-08-31T00:11:43+02:002008-08-31T00:14:26+02:00 <p><a href="http://outdoors.webshots.com/photo/2331886450101465412JEbNOY"><img src="http://inlinethumb11.webshots.com/23562/2331886450101465412S600x600Q85.jpg" alt="Unloading"></a></p> <p>Here are just a few examples of the expensive equipment use to bring you your Weetabix. I'm a tad knackered now but should have a day off tomorrow! The combine caught fire Ooops!!!</p> <p><a href="http://outdoors.webshots.com/photo/2934056650101465412topmRl"><img src="http://inlinethumb33.webshots.com/43232/2934056650101465412S600x600Q85.jpg" alt="Combine in wheat"></a></p> <p><a href="http://outdoors.webshots.com/photo/2916964900101465412nDyvpt"><img src="http://inlinethumb16.webshots.com/40847/2916964900101465412S600x600Q85.jpg" alt="Case Quadtrac"></a></p> <p><a href="http://outdoors.webshots.com/photo/2129477940101465412DSBpFw"><img src="http://inlinethumb45.webshots.com/44140/2129477940101465412S600x600Q85.jpg" alt="Quad Trac"></a></p> <p><a href="http://outdoors.webshots.com/photo/2162947170101465412VhhWZs"><img src="http://inlinethumb12.webshots.com/40331/2162947170101465412S600x600Q85.jpg" alt="Tractor and grain trailer"></a></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/08/31/where-s-me-breakfast-4659966/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-08-28:/2008/08/28/i-do-pick-my-moments-4651260/FunkyFarmer2008-08-28T23:28:26+02:002008-08-28T23:38:59+02:00 <p>I did pick the right time to start blogging again! Right in the middle of harvest. I started at 8am and have literally just finished. Not good for a geriatric but it will pay for me hols. I think this will be the last time, it's no fun being weary all the time. Never mind, if the weather holds we should be done in a week.</p> <p>Meanwhile ... Finish me cuppa and off to bed</p> <p>Nite nite<br> Pete</p> <p><a href="http://outdoors.webshots.com/photo/2097308050101465412WEFvmg"><img src="http://inlinethumb14.webshots.com/22861/2097308050101465412S600x600Q85.jpg" alt="Ain"></a></p> <p>I love this picture.... Click on it ..... Select full size then click again. Tell me if you have ever seen anything as beautiful? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/08/28/i-do-pick-my-moments-4651260/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-08-25:/2008/08/25/monday-s-child-4633923/FunkyFarmer2008-08-25T11:17:03+02:002008-08-25T11:26:38+02:00 <p>Is fair of face but probably not as fair as these picture taken by my daughter earlier this year on Rhodes.</p> <p><a href="http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2189831580101465412abOukg"><img src="http://inlinethumb50.webshots.com/4337/2189831580101465412S600x600Q85.jpg" alt="Rhodes 044"></a></p> <p><a href="http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2814887740101465412lwaHUA"><img src="http://inlinethumb24.webshots.com/19031/2814887740101465412S600x600Q85.jpg" alt="Rhodes 008"></a></p> <p><a href="http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2845351480101465412vUUdPC"><img src="http://inlinethumb40.webshots.com/39783/2845351480101465412S600x600Q85.jpg" alt="Rhodes 031"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/08/25/monday-s-child-4633923/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-08-23:/2008/08/23/good-morning-4625659/FunkyFarmer2008-08-23T08:24:28+02:002008-08-23T09:46:37+02:00 <p>It's a beautiful morning out there, for a change. Not that I have poked me 'ed out of the nest of course but it looks ok.</p> <p>Today I expect we will be combine haaaarvestin', so a loooong day looms. I can't say the thought fills the heart with glee but the cash does help out the old pension somewhat. so far we are two weeks behind! I do hope the weather holds because I'm off on me hols come Sept 15th. We are going on safari to woolly Wales to take a few pictures.</p> <p>That's about it for now </p> <p>Tata Dear Hearts</p> <p>Pete</p> <p><a href="http://photobucket.com"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Giraffe.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/08/23/good-morning-4625659/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-08-22:/2008/08/22/irish-sausages-4624426/FunkyFarmer2008-08-22T20:50:07+02:002008-08-22T20:50:07+02:00 <p>Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.<br> The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'<br> 'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.<br> 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'<br> Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'<br> 'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?'<br> The assistant said: 'Well, no.'<br> Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.<br> 'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?'<br> 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'<br> 'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.<br> So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'<br> The assistant replied: 'Because you're in f***ing Homebase' .... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/08/22/irish-sausages-4624426/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-08-22:/2008/08/22/wow-4624156/FunkyFarmer2008-08-22T19:45:27+02:002008-08-22T19:46:23+02:00 <p>I managed to post one of me piccies in the Photography Group blog. It only took an hour <img src="/img/smilies/graysigh.gif" alt=":**:" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/08/22/wow-4624156/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2008-08-22:/2008/08/22/it-s-only-me-4623724/FunkyFarmer2008-08-22T17:42:57+02:002008-08-22T17:42:57+02:00 <p>Hello me ducks.</p> <p>I thought I might start blogging again, after a rather horrendous year. That is of course if I can remember how everything works? I get older but not necessarily wiser.</p> <p>Watch this space for a load of old rubbish</p> <p>Cheers<br> Funky </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2008/08/22/it-s-only-me-4623724/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-23:/2007/10/23/heavenly_ducks~3181608/FunkyFarmer2007-10-23T11:27:51+02:002007-10-23T11:27:51+02:00 <p>Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.</p> <p>When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in Heaven: don't step on the ducks!"</p> <p>So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.</p> <p>Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"</p> <p>The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.<br> He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.</p> <p>The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is careful where she steps.</p> <p>She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.</p> <p>The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"</p> <p>The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"</p> <p><a href="http://photobucket.com"><img src="http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u70/peophin498/2005_0205Image0027.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/23/heavenly_ducks~3181608/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-22:/2007/10/22/a_fieldfare_for_sallyontour~3178711/FunkyFarmer2007-10-22T19:40:01+02:002007-10-22T19:40:01+02:00 <p>Here is a pic of a fieldfare for ya Sally</p> <p><a href="http://photobucket.com"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Fieldfare.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/22/a_fieldfare_for_sallyontour~3178711/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-22:/2007/10/22/did_you_know~3176161/FunkyFarmer2007-10-22T11:36:27+02:002007-10-22T11:36:27+02:00 <p>Your local garden thrushes may well be joined by some continental visitors this month. Fieldfares and redwings are arriving for winter, and large numbers of song thrushes and blackbirds are arriving from Europe too.</p> <p>So get your feeders out and topped up. Your garden birds need all the help they can get over winter. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/22/did_you_know~3176161/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-19:/2007/10/19/what_a_good_idea~3163103/FunkyFarmer2007-10-19T19:00:14+02:002007-10-19T19:00:14+02:00 <p>Why doesn't the government appoint a minister for obesity?</p> <p>He/She could be known as the fat controller.</p> <p>just a passing thought! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/19/what_a_good_idea~3163103/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-19:/2007/10/19/title~3160310/FunkyFarmer2007-10-19T10:23:27+02:002007-10-19T10:25:08+02:00 <p> After a tiring day, I was half watching tennis last night on the telly, and I didn't quite understand what it was about. Two people just hitting a ball around, I mean come on! At least with football (unless you count England last Wednesday!) you have some kind of team action going on. But with tennis it's just like, what?!</p> <p>I mean I can understand the women's matches, at least then you've got something nice to watch bouncing up and down the screen in a nice gym-skirt or whatever. I can cope with the doubles games too. But watching two men hit a furry greeen ball around a patch of grass/clay at hundreds of miles per hour just doesn't cut it for me.</p> <p>I want action. I want violence. I want fast-moving down right dirty dealing. I want to see that Jock geezer beat up the umpire dude when they say the ball was out but he thinks it was in. I want to see him slapping one of the ball girl's arses before he begins a new set. Is that too much to ask?</p> <p>All this gentlemanly etiquette of Wimbledon really gets on my hooter, it really does. So, if you're reading this tennis stars, take heed, make it more fun. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/19/title~3160310/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-18:/2007/10/18/just_thought_you_should_know~3157418/FunkyFarmer2007-10-18T18:53:22+02:002007-10-18T18:53:22+02:00 <p>"Denial is not just a river in Egypt." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/18/just_thought_you_should_know~3157418/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-18:/2007/10/18/mornin_all~3154532/FunkyFarmer2007-10-18T09:14:15+02:002007-10-18T09:14:15+02:00 <p>'Mornin' me ducks.</p> <p>It's a brilliant day here today. Just the right sort of day to take some pics but unfortunately exterior house painting calls. I started the job about a week ago but it turned out to be one job too far. My days spent up a rickety ladder have passed. Luckily a couple of builder mates of mine are at a loose end until they start a new job on Monday.</p> <p>I thought that retirement was sposed to be a time of rest and reflection?<br> Not around here it ain't lol Since I packed in work a year ago now. A lot has happened. The most scary of course was my heart attack but with that over I seem to be busier that ever I was as a wage slave.</p> <p>To date projects have included, installing oil fired central heating, putting in an LPG gas range (supplied by Boots, would you believe! the second lowest price for the same item was from Sainsbury's )Luckily my son is a Corgi registered fitter and he checked things out and certificated the work. All this between helping out on the farm with harvest, drilling, spraying ect.</p> <p>The message here is if you are near retiring, don't bother. It is far less exhausting staying at work LOL</p> <p>I'm off now cos this is getting boring. Now where did I put that paint brush? Oh here it is I'm sitting on it!!!</p> <p>Toodle Pip Old Beans</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/18/mornin_all~3154532/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-17:/2007/10/17/another_money_making_scam~3153468/FunkyFarmer2007-10-17T23:35:43+02:002007-10-17T23:35:43+02:00 <p>Can any kind soul tell me why there is advertising obliterating about a third of my profile and everybody else's?<br> I thought signing up to pro got rid of all ads!</p> <p>Slightly peed off Pete but I'm sure as the day progresses a missive will be winging to the powers that be. Not that it will do any good. Unless we all do it. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/17/another_money_making_scam~3153468/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-17:/2007/10/17/dieting_does_work~3150264/FunkyFarmer2007-10-17T13:34:37+02:002007-10-17T13:36:40+02:00 <p>Three months into my diet</p> <p><a href="http://photobucket.com"><img src="http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u12/cptnewo/fat20man20at20computer.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/17/dieting_does_work~3150264/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-17:/2007/10/17/the_northern_cultural_scene_exclusive~3149625/FunkyFarmer2007-10-17T11:11:46+02:002007-10-17T11:20:43+02:00 <p><strong>Good morning you lot.</p> <p>Between reading the papers and sucking marmalade off of my tee shirt. I came across this article I thought might prove of interest.</p> <p>Mad, Scottish and wrinkly celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay has today discussed for the first time his ill fated audition on the never ending TV reality sensation, X Factor.</p> <p>The floppy haired kitchen devil, normally known for his aggressive swearing and kitchen bullying showed his more feminine side last week when he cued up with other starry eyed hopefuls in Darlington, somewhere up north of London. When getting out of his 2 month old Hummer, Ramsay exclaimed,"F*** me, they all wear shoes here".</p> <p>X Factor host, Cat Deeley spotted Gordon while cueing up for the auditioning rooms, telling two 14 year old hopefuls to 'f*** right off' after they mistook his lined face for the Churchill Dog that goes, "Ah yes".</p> <p>Cat, with tv crew in tow, crept up behind Ramsay and asked him why he thought he had the X Factor. In a pique of rage, Ramsay launched a verbal assault of a ferocity unheard of since Jade Goody fancied her chances as UN mediator Kofi Annan in the Big Brother house last year while explaining to Shilpa Shetty that her chicken was a touch underdone.</p> <p>"You are f<strong>*ing having a f</strong>*ing laugh, aren't you you f<strong>*?" Screamed Ramsay to Cat who visibly shrunk back against the wall. The crazed Jock then stared the cameraman straight in the eye and growled menacingly, "And you can f</strong>* right off you f<strong>*ing f</strong>*!".</p> <p>At that point the cameraman made his excuses and left.</p> <p>After 17 security guards drafted from the local Mothercare restored order, Ramsay was up in front of X Factor judges, Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and everyone's favourite grandmother, Sharon Osbourne.</p> <p>After being asked by Cowell what Ramsay was going to sing, he replied, "YMCA".<br> At this point a very smug Cowell could resist a very smug smirk with his fellow panellist.<br> Hawk eyed Ramsay spotted the faux pas and launched into a verbal hurricane not seen since a million screaming Muslims screamed for the head of a cartoonist who drew a picture Allah eating a bag of pork scratchings.</p> <p>"Who the f<strong>* do you f</strong>*ing think you are f<strong>*ing laughing at you fat f</strong>*?"</p> <p>Cowell, realising he may have pulled the tiger's tail a little too hard turned to Walsh for support.</p> <p>"And you, you f<strong>*ing leprechaun, sit the f</strong>* down right f***ing now!" screamed Ramsay at a tiny Walsh who looked close to tears.</p> <p>At this point Osbourne stood up and threw her water over Cowell and shouted, "He's f<strong>*ing right you pompous little f</strong>*!</p> <p>Ramsay was last seen taking Botox advice from Osbourne in one of his swanky restaurants.</strong></p> <p><a href="http://photobucket.com"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/images.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a><em></em> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/17/the_northern_cultural_scene_exclusive~3149625/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-16:/2007/10/16/trying_to_remember~3147184/FunkyFarmer2007-10-16T21:02:33+02:002007-10-16T23:40:29+02:00 <p>How to post pics. Four months is a long time when you are ancient!</p> <p><a href="http://photobucket.com"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/walk_crow_2601072679_42.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a></p> <p>One for Marvo here if it works</p> <p><a href="http://photobucket.com"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/robin.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a></p> <p>Little gardening friend</p> <p><a href="http://photobucket.com"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Egret.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a></p> <p>Egret </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/16/trying_to_remember~3147184/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk,2007-10-16:/2007/10/16/why_hello_there~3143959/FunkyFarmer2007-10-16T10:27:33+02:002007-10-16T10:27:33+02:00 <p>Good morning dear hearts.<br> Well, all the crops have been harvested and next years are in the ground and growing like weeds. YIKES!I never thought of that. They might be weeds. Never mind, whatever, the countryside is beginning to look green again.</p> <p>I haven't seriously been online for ages. How things change in a very short period of time. Take for instance, Google. There is no point using it if this article by Kent Pete is correct.</p> <p>In a test case that legal experts predict could change the future of the internet for generations to come, John Fletcher, 19, from Blackpool in Lancashire is suing Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin for over £25 million because, as his legal team have insisted, 'they have forcibly imposed censorship on the world wide web '.</p> <p>Talking from his office in Trafford Street, Manchester, prosecuting lawyer Max Lythcoe told our reporter,</p> <p>"What Google have done goes against everything that the internet stands for. It was meant to be a medium of communication that was free from state censorship. That is what makes it so revolutionary. Due to this particular search engine's 'new family friendly policy ', my client is now unable to download hard core pornography and we argue that this is an infringement of his civil liberties."</p> <p>Mr Fletcher was unavailable for comment. However his brother did talk briefly to our home affairs correspondent, Peter Musgrove.</p> <p>"Due to a socially crippling face John doesn't get out much. He spends much of his time downloading video clips from the internet. Recently however he has become very depressed due to Google's new policy on pornography. He told me that yesterday he searched for 'Mature Escorts ' only to be frustrated when a website advertising old 1980's Ford Cars came up. A similiar search for 'huge Dutch jugs' took him to a ceramics website in Holland. He even told me that the once PG [ Porn Guaranteed ] search of Watersports now took him 'A+G Suppliers-Specialists in Canoes and Kayaks'."</p> <p>He added,</p> <p>"For someone like John who relies on the internet to satisfy his sexual needs this new family friendly surfing is a total nightmare. He really is beginning to look tense."</p> <p>A spokesman for google said yesterday,</p> <p>"Yes we have made it more difficult to access hard core pornography and further we have no plans to change this . Indeed, if anything we are expanding our policy as much as is possible."</p> <p>Words and phrases that will no longer be a guarantee of porn include:</p> <p> * Big tits Now a link to the Kent Ornithological Society.</p> <p> * Generous grannies The charitable section of the Women's Institute.</p> <p> * Anal insertions A Colonic irrigation equipment store.</p> <p> * Scat Link to Jim Davidson Fan club. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://funkyfarmer.blog.co.uk/2007/10/16/why_hello_there~3143959/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>