Funky and Friends

Old Mother Hubbard, perhaps best remembered as the lady who went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone, has decided to take her son to the High Court over 20 years after his death because of the anguish and bad publicity his actions have caused to not only their dog, but also to the other members of her family.

Her eldest son, L.Ron Hubbard, who 'passed over to the other side of the Galaxy' in 1986, decided that in 1953 when his mother asked him to fetch said aforementioned bone, instead of fetching the bone, or for that matter getting a job to help his poor mother get the dog a bone, he'd start a cult, a method he felt was a much easier way of parting people from their money.

In a statement to the world's press outside the courts, a distraught, and still bone-less Mrs Hubbard said:

"It was the final straw. After over 20 years of scrimping and saving to get my poor dog Churchill a bone, I am no nearer today solving the poor animal's bone deficiency than I was back then. In the meantime, the poor dog has had to learn how to say "Oh! Yes" in a very deep voice and make crass and unbelievable television advertisements shown on obscure networks in order to sustain his standard of living. Not only is he working for himself, but he is also having to tell all those fibs about insurance in front of millions, just like his master L. Ron used to do. Well L.Ron used to tell fibs generally, not just about insurance."

"So thanks to my lard-arsed son who fancied himself as a god, I am now not only boneless, but potentially dogless as well. And I just can't take it anymore.

"And that's the reason I have come to court today, to get an injunction against those Scientologist friends of his, to get them stop making money for just one moment, and help me get my poor bloody dog a bone.

"Is that too much to ask?"

Llanfairpwllgwyngyll gogerychwyrndrob wllllantysilio gogogoch, Wales - Welshman Dow Jones was arrested yesterday morning on fraud charges and for impersonating a major indices. Mr. Jones, 94, was released on bail last night after posting the £894 billion bond using his two bedroom cottage as collateral.

When reached for comment Mr. Jones said;

"Everything was great last year, people were happy with me, always buying me drinks at the local and then it all changed. In the last few months people have stopped talking to me and I am regularly spat upon."

Mr. Jones, his wife Nikkei and son Dax now live in fear of reprisals for what Mr. Jones says "is just a correction- we all believed we were overvalued."

Nonetheless the charges are not likely to go away and in fact, police are considering additional charges in connection with Fannie Mae.

"I've never even met the girl," exclaimed Mr. Jones.

Welsh people are suffering from the fall in house prices like everyone else. The average house price in Wales has now fallen to £1.42 from a high of over £3.00 in 2006.

The Jones' son Dax has not come away unscathed:

"My girlfriend broke up with me when I suggested we play footsie. She completely took it the wrong way!"

MPs 'to call for cap on migrants'

"They need to wear something on their heads so we can spot them!" said one MP, who coincidentally has shares in a Top Hat business.

The recent widespread flooding that has affected many parts of the UK, is down to heavy rain, it has been claimed by experts.

Some areas are still under several feet of water, including Morpeth, which has been 'officially forgotten', and, say meteorological analysts, it's all because of a bit of good old fashioned precipitation.

Long-time Morpeth resident, Albert Spatchcock, 82, who describes himself as a 'weather expert', said:

"It's a devil of a thing! I've never sin samuch rain. Fair cats'n'dogs. It's ruined me green beans 'n' cabbages!"

It's the same in Lancashire over the other side of some group of hills or another.
In Manchester, where people start to worry when it doesn't rain, another old person, Maud Grimley, 71, told Radio Manchester's phone-in show:

"Eyup! 'Appen it cum rart ovver top o' me wellies! Never stopped all day! Mind you, ducks'll be 'appy!"

Staff at the Royal Meteorological Society say the weather is set to continue, and people should "get used to the inconvenience" of having raw sewage in their homes.

Professor Ed Banger of the RMS, said:

"When global warming kicks in, most of these Northern places won't exist. There definitely has been a lot of rain about, but on the plus side, we don't yet have a hosepipe ban.

Ahem! How do I tell Ms Funky that the left sleeve of the cardigan she is knitting shouldn't be five foot long?

I feel a bit like the afore mentioned ..... Fed up.F****d and far from home.This wet weather just doesn't give up. Although we are well ahead of most with harvest this year. We still have 150 acres of wheat left to be cut OK.90% is in the barn but the remainder is still a lot to be hanging about, spoiling in the field. The most devastating consequence, however is having to cancel my holiday,which was due to start next Monday, the 15th.
Hey Ho! Wales will never know what they have missed. Nor you dear reader. You will just have to imagine all the wonderful pictures I might have posted for your perusal. Macro shots of sheep droppings ..... Brecon beacon lichen ........ Ummmmmmm? What else is there to do in Wales? Only joking.

Troops in Iraq have been alerted to a new terror weapon: 'Jihad Julie' is a new inflatable doll which blows itself up.

Education Latest

Children starting secondary school in England this week are the first legally required to stay in education until they are 17.
However, those who have dyslexia will have to stay until they are 71

The latest Highway Code says that you MUST have hub caps on the wheels. It's classed as Indecent Exposure. Yes! You can't just ride around with your nuts showing.

A 30-year-old disabled tortoise (ingrown toenails and harelip) unwittingly sent to a landfill site with its owner's rubbish, has been found alive.

Sheldrake, a greater-crested Galapagos tortoise, owned by Gladys Hawksbill of Margate in Kent, climbed into a bin bag in search of his favourite slug n lettuce pizza left-overs and was taken to the Canterbury landfill site by refuse collectors on Monday morning.

When Mrs. Hawksbill noticed the tortoise wasn't in his kennel or barking at passers-by she realised what might have happened phoned the Thanet Council landfill site on their emergency terrorist attack hotline and was allowed to look through the rubbish but Sheldrake was nowhere to be seen.

Luckily Mrs. Hawksbill's alarm call had been picked up by NATO's Nosy Twat snooper satellite and the Brussels H.Q. launched a full emergency search and rescue operation, parachuting in four battalions of troopers from its elite Rapid Response Regiment onto the Canterbury landfill site.

NATO spokesperson Col. Edna Nutcracker told The our military correspondent "The lads were all sat around on their lazy arses with fuck all to do until our next scheduled false flag terrorist operation in November, so the Joint Chiefs decided a spot of tortoise tracking would be good exercise for them until we invade Iran."

After securing the site with a customary perimeter of anti-personnel mines and ordering an air strike to napalm the tip manager's office, the troops scoured the area through the night aided by helicopter searchlights and flares but dawn brought no success in locating the missing tortoise.

A swift change in search method strategy was required if Sheldrake was to be found alive, so NATO Command deployed their stand-by reinforcement crack Sudanese 22nd Darfur Scavenger Battalion across the entire rubbish tip.

Col. Nutcracker informed the assembled media "As the tip was composed mainly of bio-degradable matter such as garden waste, broken glass, rusty barbed wire, depleted uranium and semi-toxic Bono posters we decided to put the Darfur Scavengers to work.

They hadn't had anything to eat for six weeks before leaving Khartoum, so getting them in the thick of it and let them eat their way through was the best tactic. We issued each of them with a picture of a tortoise first though, just in case."

Within hours the Darfur boys had scoffed over sixteen tons (metric) of assorted rubbish when a jubilant cheer arose. Sheldrake had been found under a pile of discarded U2 CD's nibbling on the remains of a McDonald's Chew n Spew cheese burger.

After a quick clean up with Mr. Sheen furniture polish and a Verison locator micro-chip embedded in his shell, Sheldrake the tortoise was delivered safely home. Yet another NATO success. Cost to the taxpayer : a measly £25,000,000. The smile on Mrs. Hawksbill's face : Priceless.