Between reading the papers and sucking marmalade off of my tee shirt. I came across this article I thought might prove of interest.

Mad, Scottish and wrinkly celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay has today discussed for the first time his ill fated audition on the never ending TV reality sensation, X Factor.

The floppy haired kitchen devil, normally known for his aggressive swearing and kitchen bullying showed his more feminine side last week when he cued up with other starry eyed hopefuls in Darlington, somewhere up north of London. When getting out of his 2 month old Hummer, Ramsay exclaimed,"F*** me, they all wear shoes here".

X Factor host, Cat Deeley spotted Gordon while cueing up for the auditioning rooms, telling two 14 year old hopefuls to 'f*** right off' after they mistook his lined face for the Churchill Dog that goes, "Ah yes".

Cat, with tv crew in tow, crept up behind Ramsay and asked him why he thought he had the X Factor. In a pique of rage, Ramsay launched a verbal assault of a ferocity unheard of since Jade Goody fancied her chances as UN mediator Kofi Annan in the Big Brother house last year while explaining to Shilpa Shetty that her chicken was a touch underdone.

"You are f*ing having a f*ing laugh, aren't you you f*?" Screamed Ramsay to Cat who visibly shrunk back against the wall. The crazed Jock then stared the cameraman straight in the eye and growled menacingly, "And you can f* right off you f*ing f*!".

At that point the cameraman made his excuses and left.

After 17 security guards drafted from the local Mothercare restored order, Ramsay was up in front of X Factor judges, Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and everyone's favourite grandmother, Sharon Osbourne.

After being asked by Cowell what Ramsay was going to sing, he replied, "YMCA".
At this point a very smug Cowell could resist a very smug smirk with his fellow panellist.
Hawk eyed Ramsay spotted the faux pas and launched into a verbal hurricane not seen since a million screaming Muslims screamed for the head of a cartoonist who drew a picture Allah eating a bag of pork scratchings.

"Who the f* do you f*ing think you are f*ing laughing at you fat f*?"

Cowell, realising he may have pulled the tiger's tail a little too hard turned to Walsh for support.

"And you, you f*ing leprechaun, sit the f* down right f***ing now!" screamed Ramsay at a tiny Walsh who looked close to tears.

At this point Osbourne stood up and threw her water over Cowell and shouted, "He's f*ing right you pompous little f*!