Funky and Friends

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in Heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Here is a pic of a fieldfare for ya Sally

Your local garden thrushes may well be joined by some continental visitors this month. Fieldfares and redwings are arriving for winter, and large numbers of song thrushes and blackbirds are arriving from Europe too.

So get your feeders out and topped up. Your garden birds need all the help they can get over winter.

Why doesn't the government appoint a minister for obesity?

He/She could be known as the fat controller.

just a passing thought!

After a tiring day, I was half watching tennis last night on the telly, and I didn't quite understand what it was about. Two people just hitting a ball around, I mean come on! At least with football (unless you count England last Wednesday!) you have some kind of team action going on. But with tennis it's just like, what?!

I mean I can understand the women's matches, at least then you've got something nice to watch bouncing up and down the screen in a nice gym-skirt or whatever. I can cope with the doubles games too. But watching two men hit a furry greeen ball around a patch of grass/clay at hundreds of miles per hour just doesn't cut it for me.

I want action. I want violence. I want fast-moving down right dirty dealing. I want to see that Jock geezer beat up the umpire dude when they say the ball was out but he thinks it was in. I want to see him slapping one of the ball girl's arses before he begins a new set. Is that too much to ask?

All this gentlemanly etiquette of Wimbledon really gets on my hooter, it really does. So, if you're reading this tennis stars, take heed, make it more fun.

"Denial is not just a river in Egypt."

'Mornin' me ducks.

It's a brilliant day here today. Just the right sort of day to take some pics but unfortunately exterior house painting calls. I started the job about a week ago but it turned out to be one job too far. My days spent up a rickety ladder have passed. Luckily a couple of builder mates of mine are at a loose end until they start a new job on Monday.

I thought that retirement was sposed to be a time of rest and reflection?
Not around here it ain't lol Since I packed in work a year ago now. A lot has happened. The most scary of course was my heart attack but with that over I seem to be busier that ever I was as a wage slave.

To date projects have included, installing oil fired central heating, putting in an LPG gas range (supplied by Boots, would you believe! the second lowest price for the same item was from Sainsbury's )Luckily my son is a Corgi registered fitter and he checked things out and certificated the work. All this between helping out on the farm with harvest, drilling, spraying ect.

The message here is if you are near retiring, don't bother. It is far less exhausting staying at work LOL

I'm off now cos this is getting boring. Now where did I put that paint brush? Oh here it is I'm sitting on it!!!

Toodle Pip Old Beans

Can any kind soul tell me why there is advertising obliterating about a third of my profile and everybody else's?
I thought signing up to pro got rid of all ads!

Slightly peed off Pete but I'm sure as the day progresses a missive will be winging to the powers that be. Not that it will do any good. Unless we all do it.

Three months into my diet

Good morning you lot.

Ramsay was last seen taking Botox advice from Osbourne in one of his swanky restaurants.

How to post pics. Four months is a long time when you are ancient!

One for Marvo here if it works

Little gardening friend

Egret

Good morning dear hearts.
Well, all the crops have been harvested and next years are in the ground and growing like weeds. YIKES!I never thought of that. They might be weeds. Never mind, whatever, the countryside is beginning to look green again.

I haven't seriously been online for ages. How things change in a very short period of time. Take for instance, Google. There is no point using it if this article by Kent Pete is correct.

In a test case that legal experts predict could change the future of the internet for generations to come, John Fletcher, 19, from Blackpool in Lancashire is suing Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin for over £25 million because, as his legal team have insisted, 'they have forcibly imposed censorship on the world wide web '.

Talking from his office in Trafford Street, Manchester, prosecuting lawyer Max Lythcoe told our reporter,

"What Google have done goes against everything that the internet stands for. It was meant to be a medium of communication that was free from state censorship. That is what makes it so revolutionary. Due to this particular search engine's 'new family friendly policy ', my client is now unable to download hard core pornography and we argue that this is an infringement of his civil liberties."

Mr Fletcher was unavailable for comment. However his brother did talk briefly to our home affairs correspondent, Peter Musgrove.

"Due to a socially crippling face John doesn't get out much. He spends much of his time downloading video clips from the internet. Recently however he has become very depressed due to Google's new policy on pornography. He told me that yesterday he searched for 'Mature Escorts ' only to be frustrated when a website advertising old 1980's Ford Cars came up. A similiar search for 'huge Dutch jugs' took him to a ceramics website in Holland. He even told me that the once PG [ Porn Guaranteed ] search of Watersports now took him 'A+G Suppliers-Specialists in Canoes and Kayaks'."

He added,

"For someone like John who relies on the internet to satisfy his sexual needs this new family friendly surfing is a total nightmare. He really is beginning to look tense."

A spokesman for google said yesterday,

"Yes we have made it more difficult to access hard core pornography and further we have no plans to change this . Indeed, if anything we are expanding our policy as much as is possible."

Words and phrases that will no longer be a guarantee of porn include:

* Big tits Now a link to the Kent Ornithological Society.

* Generous grannies The charitable section of the Women's Institute.

* Anal insertions A Colonic irrigation equipment store.

* Scat Link to Jim Davidson Fan club.