Funky and Friends

Hiya.
Don't get too close to the monitor, I have a hacking corf, a sore throat and a multitude of other symptoms. It would take too long to explain them all here but I am the epitome of a truly stoic Englishman. Do I go looking for sympathy? Do I play on every symptom? Do I act the dying duck when anyone comes into the room, or calls me on the phone? Too darned right I do! What point is there being on death's door otherwise? I have Baxter running around in circles waiting on me paw and paw; eating the scraps off of my plate to save me washing up while at the same time jumping up on the sofa where I'm languishing with my laptop and licking the soles of my bare feet! Lovely, as one is just dozing off.

I'm keeping this just short enough tonight to worry my readership enough that they get to sending me loads of comments.

Goodnight my friends I leave you with my personal horoscope and a little joke I thought was rather funny and in my case apt

MY PERSONAL HOROSCOPE: LEO**

I sense a great disturbance in your aura. Lucky balls will haunt you.

On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.
'Look what I've done, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbour.

'That's surely something,' Willard. How long did it take you?"

"Only two weeks."

"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"

"Darn tootin'," Willard said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years."

Oh, the footballs over! I feel better now.

The use of the word "gangs" to describe youths who hang around committing crime could make their activities worse, a study has claimed.

The Youth Justice Board conducted a major study on "gangs" and concluded that the term is "inappropriate". It also suggested replacing the phrase "gang-related" with "group-related". The new terminology for gang should be something nice and cuddly like "cluster".

The "crimes" committed by these "clusters" should not be called "crimes" as it makes it look as if they are doing something "wrong", they are just being misunderstood and the new terminology should reflect this.

The "misunderstandings" by these "clusters" should also be changed, according to Li Beral, of the YJB.

Instead of "robbery", which is a nasty phrase to bandy around sensitive youths, should be changed to "misappropriation", stabbing should be changed to "heightened interlocution" and threatening to pop a cap in some mo-fo's ass should be henceforth referred to as "terminally inconclusive dialogue"

Sexual offences will also be re-branded, so as to avoid any unnecessary suffering on the part of any members of the "clusters" perpetrating the "misunderstanding".

Sexual harassment will now be called a "carnal misunderstanding" Rape will be termed "presumptive physical monologue".

Violent sexual offences will have to be called "mutual carnal misunderstanding" due the fact that these type of offences include more than one party, the "missunderstander" and the "missunderstandee" , and it is mutual, as these things are rarely one sided.

I'm totally fed up. I have just posted a fairly long article and it has just vanished into the ether. OK, not the end of the world you might say So I decide to read my friends blogs as I do every day.

Oh look, Usksider has poster a picture! I reply with a stupid comment and a picture. Html isn't working so he gets a load of script and no pic. Then comments won't send and to cap it all then the bloody lot crashes.

How much longer do we have to endure this crap? BLUK have been promising for months that things will improve but they never do. They just get worse.

Bugger it! This probably won't send anyway so I don't know why I'm bothering. I'm off to look for another blog, tho I doubt they will be any different once they have got my money.

Message to BLUK ... Halten Sie bitte Ihre Versprechung und sortieren Sie dieses heraus

A designer of role playing games in Harrold has invented the world's first one sided dice, especially for fatalists. No matter how many times you throw it, it always comes up with the same result in accordance with the theory that all events in the universe are predetermined.

He has also developed a dice with an infinite number of sides, for those people who prefer to believe that all possible outcomes are played out amongst an infinite number of universes. Currently he is working hard to construct a purely metaphysical idea of a dice, so that the Gods and Godesses can play dice with the universe.

If you can think of any other sort of dice that our man in Harrold could invent and you'd like to take part in stretching a rather weak and frankly disappointing joke way beyond its natural comedy threshold, then send your suggestions to:

The Man who hangs around the High Street directing traffic and generally poking his nose into other peoples business

Harrold, United Kingdom PLC (A division of IKEA)

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient chicks?

If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Or in Turkeyish ...... Gobble gobble. Gobble gobble gobble .... Gravy

How do i do a balanced chemical equation for the reaction of beryllium carbide with water?

A satirist today wrote a 500-word article lampooning something in the news. He is reported to have said to friends: "I have no idea how to articulate my rage at the ineptitude of governments or the folly of celebrities and so instead I will write a funny fake news article in which I will turn some item of news on its head for satiric effect."

It is believed that the satirist, 65 last Friday, had strong views of his own which he needed to shoehorn into the article. This quickly became a problem, according to his long in the tooth long-time girlfriend, 92, who told us: "He said he didn't know how to suggest his views subtly so he really needed some kind of fake quote where a made up guy is just basically his mouthpiece. He thought this would really make it hit home."

Alternatively, it is thought by some experts, he could have invented a totally outrageous caricature of his most hated political figure and made them say something stupid to make them seem ridiculous.

It is further believed that the targets of his hard-hitting satire include George W Bush's intelligence, the absence of WMD in Iraq, the state of the privatised railways and pensioners who vote BNP.

It was particularly important for him to present his opinions as radical. This would, it is thought, make him look very clever and everyone else seem stupid. He is believed to have achieved this by use of exclamation marks and heavy sarcasm.

Reaction to the satirist's article has so far been muted.

Late news - Satirist tells everyone else what to think live on radio
Marcus Bigcock of the Now Shite says "I have the right opinions and anyone who disagrees with me is stupid or evil. And I shout for satiric effect. Sometimes really sarcastically. Anyone read today's Guardian? I need a comic shouty piece with liberal bent in five minutes."

Armadillos can walk underwater