Funky and Friends

In my infinite wisdom, I cancelled my Sky subscription. God knows how many channels of crap all for just £43 a month. I sit here now watching a load of people with there heads so far up there own backides that it's sickening. The BAFTAS.

If I could thing of a subject I might pen a missive but me 'eads gorn blank. Any suggestions?

Well, I have been told in no uncertain terms that my blog is crap. That my entries are that of a Satyr. Oh dear! And this from a friend that takes three weeks to write a short essay on Thomas Crapper? She should perhaps get herself a blog and show us all how it should be done. I await the event with baited breath but as usual I expect it will be the case of the empty vessels making the most noise. LOL. I still love her really in a sort of "Just let me put my hands around your throat" kind of way.

With all that said, I'm off to have rather a long sulk and spit a few feathers.

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was honoured by Blues' fans at yesterday's FA Cup final against Manchester United at the New Wembley stadium, with a revival of the old Stamford Bridge favourite One Man And His Dog.

Mourinho, the chosen one, has been an inspirational figure at Chelsea, and never more so than this week, when he was stopped by police for allowing his dog to foul the footpath near his home.

The Portugueezer and his dog, called Spot, were both arrested and taken to a police station in central London. Mr Mourinho was released on Thursday, but Spot is still being held in custody facing charges of 'illegally laying dog eggs on a Public Right of Way'.

The Chelsea boss has had a difficult week for, apart from his arrest, his squad has been decimated by injury problems, and is down to the last 43 fit players. Yesterday he made the 'hilarious' decision to name goalkeeper Hilary Hilario as a centre forward ahead of Didier Dogdirt - a direct result of Spot's indiscretion earlier in the week.

Chelsea fans had been practising the song in close harmony all week, and were ready to do battle with United fans by kick-off on Saturday.

United fans have, themselves, developed a version of the song, with a slight amendment to the lyrics. Reds' fan Arnie Sidebottom said:

"Our song 'One Man Went To Moan' is a much catchier version."

And once again the Police Federation has called on ministers to abandon 'arrest targets' which, they say, have forced officers into ludicrous decisions to apprehend and throw in jail, perpetrators of nothing more than everyday mundane acts.

In one of these, a 12-year-old boy was charged with assault, after he threw a bun to an elephant at Dudley Zoo. And in another, where an old lady swatted a fly in Worcester, a charge of murder has been brought.

Other examples of 'easy targets' included twin 8-month-old babies who were arrested in Yarmouth, one for throwing his rattle out of his pram, and his sister for crying too loudly.

West Midlands Police Commissioner, Ronald Gadzooks, complained in a letter to PM Fony Blair, that targets hampered real crime detection, and that thousands of 'man hours' per year were wasted on, what he called, 'petty offences'.

"My officers are tired of answering calls to crimes which they have no way of solving", he said, "like burglaries. My advice to anyone who has been burgled is: Forget it. Contact your insurance company, not the police, and move on!"

Other forces around the UK have the same sorry outlook. Hampshire Police have told victims of car crime to "get a new car - steal one if you have to! - or take the bus", and the Lancashire Constabulary's answer to the growing drug problem in that area, rather than trying in vain to stem the flow of narcotics, is 'Just say "Yes" and have done with it!'

Calls to assault cases, unsociable, disruptive or drunken behaviour, and criminal damage are routinely ignored, officers turning up three or four days later to "take a statement".

A Home Office spokesman, who wished to remain nameless, said he resented the criticism levelled at 'targets', saying:

"There are far too many people in this country thinking they can go around slinging cucumber slices just whenever they feel like it."