Funky and Friends

Bookies have closed the book on this year's Big Brother contestants having sex in the house, as rumours circulate that the 2007 intake are planning a surprise for the producers.

We have learned that the housemates are angry with the producers who have not stopped banging on about the need for nookie in Big Brother .

With revenge higher on the agenda than sex, the twelve women contestants have decided to call the producers' bluff and will spend the first week in the buff and acting out scenes from old porn videos.

Oh Brother
Our adult entertainment correspondent Greg Mullet has learnt that the first week in the house will be spent re-creating the atmosphere of a 1970s German porn film.

Six of the female contestants have grown a handlebar moustache, put on two stone in weight and grown a mullet. The remaining women haven't been near a razor or a wax treatment for a month and will be caking their faces with foundation cream, green eyeliner and purple lip-gloss.

No detail has been spared as all the contestants are thought to have learnt basic German. Viewers can expect phrases such as:

* schweinefleisch schwert (pork sword)
* yaaaa sie fickt gut? (yaaaa she's a good f***)
* schon wetter (nice weather)
* ich bin es gefuhl geil (I'm feeling randy)
* praline speedwayrennen (chocolate speedway)
* gestern mein auto durchgefallen sein MOT (my car failed its MOT yesterday)

The German dialogue will be broken up with random English phrases such as:

* playing her/him like a piccolo
* you dirty chippie
* aren't the evenings drawing out?
* Gary Lineker
* Chopper Harris

They have also practised poorly-timed grunts and wails, together with facial expressions that suggest catastrophic amounts of pain.

The contestants hope to smuggle in a classic Casio VL 1 keyboard, Izal toilet paper with comb and a saxophone to ensure 100 per cent authenticity.

In forthcoming weeks the housemates plan to swap accommodation with the chickens, should they be found; take a collective vow of silence; feign illness and then kidnap the doctor and pretend to kill a contestant in a mass brawl.

Apart from that the programme will be as boring as ever.

BLUK's Top Twenty is still an enigma to me. I am no nearer knowning how it works now than I was in January, when I started. BUT I won't swear to it but I think I have at least uncovered one cunning ruse that can only help. There are two bloggers in particular who were both high in the charts a couple of days ago. Indeed one was at No! (toot, toots on an heraldic horn)

OK it goes something like this:-

Nit posts his blog.... Good morning. Have you noticed the price of cod today?

Wit comments ...... Good morning

Nit .............. How are you today?

W ....... fine. And you?

N ....... Good thanks.

W ...... Cods dear ain't it

N ...... yep

W ..... Skates cheaper

N ...... Is it?

W ...... I never knew that!

N ...... I thought you knew everything "Fishy" Daring.

W ....... ha ha you are a card Nit. I must day.

N ........ Have I got eighty comments yet, darling?

W ........ I think so Munchkin.

N ........ OK we had better let that do. Right. Your turn now.

Wit posts .... Skate is at an all time high.

Nit comments .... Hello.

W ..... Hi.

N......

Well, you get the picture by now. All very interesting stuff don't you think? Have a look around yourselves if you can't believe it.

There are some "desperate" people about I must say

How to Photograph a Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in rubbish bin.
3. Remove puppy from rubbish bin and brush tea leaves from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"
16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
17. Fix a drink.
18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach Megan to "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

Great result today. I had an appointment with Mr Big Cheese, at Bedford hospitals cardiac unit. He has given me the all clear to carry on as normal. I can't guarantee the normal bit but I will try, I promise.

According to tradition, King Arthur of England died.

Mort d’Arthur

According to legend, Arthur was the son of King Uther Pendragon and Igerna, wife of Corlois, Duke of Cornwall, who Uther had cuckolded. They later married when Corlois died in battle. It is unlikely Arthur really existed, and he is not found in chronicles before Norman times, five centuries after his supposed death.

On the death of Uther, Arthur became king. He went to war against the Anglo-Saxons, whom he defeated with great slaughter in a place called Mount Badon. He then went on to defeat the Scots and Picts, then conquered Ireland, Iceland, Gothland and the Orcades, followed by Denmark, Norway and Gaul. He supposedly defeated the Gallic governor Flollo at Paris, after nine years of trying to subdue the Gauls.

He returned to his native land, gathered all the princes together and was crowned again, after which representatives from Rome bore a letter from Lucius Tiberius, the procurator of Rome, demanding that he relinquish all the lands that he had taken from Rome, and also that he pay the tribute that Britain had formerly paid to the Imperial power.

King Arthur entrusted his kingdom to his nephew Modred and his queen Guanhumara (Guinevere), and crossed the Channel to France, disembarking at Mont St Michael, where he slew a Spanish giant, who had carried away Helena, the niece of Hoel of Brittany. Arthur engaged Tiberius in France, and defeated him. He was marching with his troops to Rome, passing the Alps, when he got disastrous news from Britain – Modred had conspired with and married the queen, taking the crown. Arthur left half his forces in France under command of Hoel of Brittany, and landed the other half at Rutupiae, or Richborough, Guanhumara fleeing to a nunnery in penitence, where she spent the remainder of her days.

Modred was killed by Arthur's men. After three battles with him, Arthur finally killed him in battle, but was mortally wounded himself. They carried Arthur to the Isle of Avalon (Glastonbury, home today of the Glastonbury Festival) but were unable to heal him. This tale of the legendary King Arthur comes from Geoffrey of Monmouth and was written in 1147.

“Medieval authors disagree about the precise fate of King Arthur following his final, man-to-man battle with Mordred. Geoffrey of Monmouth writes that, in 542, King Arthur ‘was mortally wounded and was carried off to the Isle of Avalon, so that his wounds might be attended to.’ No mention is made of a burial; later in the twelfth century, Wace diverges from his source, Geoffrey, writing that the last battle occurred in 642, and moreover that ‘Arthur is yet in Avalon, awaited of the Britons; for they say and deem he will return from whence he went and live again.’” Source

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Hellooooo.
Following the stunning success of poetry blogs on here I thought I had better do something 'Cultural' myself. After all, that is the basic tenet of this journal. To inform, educate and inspire the general public like wot you lot is. So here goes:

THE HAIR OFf THE DOG

There are dogs of all shapes and all sizes
There are dogs of all colours and breeds
There are some that you’d call early risers
And some that lie down in the weeds

But I’ll tell you about Mrs Grundy
She went to a dog-show one day
We have them back home on a Sunday
And you pop into church on the way

Oh, it’s nothing to see two alsatians
Tied up to the organist’s chair
Or a pair of well-mannered dalmatians
Who stand port-au-pointe for each prayer.

But Ms Cyndy brought in a chihuahua
Just as the last service was due
He yapped with extraordinary power
And pee’ed on the leg of the pew

And his energy source didn’t falter
The strength of his lungs didn’t tire
Till he tore up the cloth on the altar
And put some high notes in the choir!

But when he had savaged the deacon
And spilled all the coins from his cup
Meg Grundy’s eyes lit up like a beacon
And she went out and ordered a pup.

Her efforts at grooming and training
I think I can safely abridge...
Her husband was always complaining
From his perch on top of the fridge

The milkman now shamefully cowers
The postmen don’t knock any more
I reckon a squad of chihuahuas
Could have altered the course of the war!

But, though he was petted and pampered
He couldn’t hold pace with his peers
And his progress was horribly hampered
Because he had hair in his ears.

Now hair in the ears of a winner
A dog-owner really don’t need
You can stuff him with steak every dinner
But he’ll never get best of the breed

But you people don’t know Mrs Grundy
She’s a woman that won’t be denied
She went down to the chemists on Monday
And she drew him away to one side

And softly, so none could reprove her,
For dog-owners often eaves-drop,
She asked for some strong hair-remover
The best that he had in his shop.

Well, the chemist gave thought for a second
He’d never seen Margaret before
Then his face brightened up and he beckoned
Her out to the back of the store

“I keep this stuff here for the farmers
Whose hair is as tough as barbed wire
I’m sure it will be cat’s pyjamas
For every place you desire...

Your facial hair won’t last a minute
On your arms it may take twice as long
There’s a powerful chemical in it
So, be careful, it’s awfully strong!

“Two drops on each leg is sufficient
But don’t wear your jeans after this
Underarm it is just as efficient
But give those tight sweaters a miss!”

Her voice dropped appreciably lower,
She placed both her hands on his arm,
“I’m using it on my chihuahua...
Do you think it will do any harm?”

The chemist was clearly stampeded
He struggled a moment to speak
“I’m sure it will do what is needed
But don’t ride your bike for a week!!”

Today May 29th is Oak Apple day t is a very important day. It celebrates the escape from the Roundheads by Charles II when he hid in an oak tree. A wreath of oak leaves is put onto the bust of Charles in the main village or town square and - when I was little at any rate if not today - we all had to wear an oak apple = acorn on this day or we would have been subjected to having mud thrown at us. Presumably this was also a sign of supporting the monarcy during the years of Cromwell et all!!

A startling new exhibition in America has confirmed what religion people and the authors of the bible have said all along; the Earth and all it's animals were made in six days by God.

A leading architect told us that he was shocked that such a major project could be undertaken so very quickly and by one entity only.

"We think he may have subcontracted out some of the heavy work to archangels who was pretty clever with trees and plants and maybe even gave Satan a go at a few simpler things like grass and bacteria."

A leading biologist said that God was very clever.

"Did he create the skin and fill it or create the insides first and then carefully wrap the contents in skin. We just don't know."

Apart from all the major life stuff one question still remains. How many dinosaurs did Noah manage to get on to the Ark?

We think he must have done it in two trips. First, he must have taken all the small lizard-like dinosaurs and dropped them off somewhere really high up and then gone back for your Diplodocus and your Triceratops.

The Archbishop of Canterbury is said to be over the moon at the news.

Hi
Another wet and miserable day today..

The person who said that every cloud has a silver lining was about right. I have been using the time to build the 'Chuck Waggon' It's nearly finished now thanks to the help I got from Fred ( There you are Fred you got your mention) Fred is great at screwing. I'm afraid that screwing in the past has left my eyesight not what it was so any help in that department is always appreciated.

Lin sent me a joke earlier which I thought funny and appropriate considering the efforts and ideas we are putting into our current project, I think we ought to take a trip to the patents office as well.
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Blame Lin for that one not me. Her number is 01756-678592

Before I go here is a bit of culture for you by way of a poem:

LITTLE JIMMY TATTERSALL

Little Jimmy Tattersall
A small time, petty criminal
Began his life of crime before,
He'd reached the tender age of four.

In nursery school he'd nick the toys
Of all the other girls and boys.
He'd also take their cakes and sweets
And any other dainty treats.

And on the bus he'd steal the fares
Of all the children sitting there.
He also made a tidy packet
Running a protection racket.

Until the school staff felt compelled
To get the little thug expelled.
Who, now left to his own devices
Indulged himself in other vices.

His parents warned him of their fears
And told him "It'll end in tears.
It's time you changed your ways!" said Ma,
"One day, young Jim... you'll go too far!"

And sure enough one fateful day,
Disaster came the young lad's way.
When only twelve years old, he went
And stole a dumper full of cement.

Of course, at just twelve years of age,
He'd never read a single page
Of how to drive upon the road
As stated in the 'Highway Code'

So down the highway Jimmy sped
Oblivious to what lay ahead,
Speeding recklessly he went.
With twenty ton of wet cement

Alas poor Jim, he met his end
Negotiating a bend
But didn't feel a thing at all
When finally he struck that wall.

'Cos like an arrow from a bow
Jim left the dumper truck below.
And as he flew, it crossed his mind...
'That concrete must be close behind!'

Next morning policemen found the heap
Of solid, rockhard, grey concrete
And from the very top there peeped
A pair of size six, plimsoled feet.

So children, don't be like this kid
And try to do the things he did.
'Cos Little Jimmy Tattersall...
Is now a hardened criminal.

OK I gotta rush

One of Hewlett Packard's first ideas was an automatic urinal flusher.

Why have so many people removed their profile pics? Is it some sort of trend? Hmmmmm the answer must be out there somewhere!

Did you know that in 1813: Napoleon led his troops against an allied force of Austrian, Prussian, Russian, and Swedish troops during the Battle of Leipzig? Well, there is something missing here, do you know what it is? Where are the Brits? Do you think they were all on holiday at Bognor or something? I can think of no other reason that we didn't take the opportunity to have a scrap with the French! Most peculiar.

We had a visit today from my daughter, Jackie and the two ankle biters, Niamh (7) and Abigail (4) Of course as on all such visits chaos ensues. I don't have to tell you the name of the main protagonists, suffice to say they are black, short legged and bark with a Scottish accent. I tried taking some photographs which proved impossible! What do they say? Never, something or other, with ankle biters and tripe hounds something along those lines anyway. Pssssst ..... Guess who had flowers in his hair? Big wussy dog did, pity we didn't have the camera handy. He would never live it down.

Well, they have gone now and all is calm again. I can't wait 'til the next visit as it's the only time I'm allowed to eat cake without being told off. Before I go I just have to share this word of the day with you. I love it,

The Word of the Day is:

mugwump MUG-wump noun
1: a bolter from the Republican party in 1884
*2: a person who is independent in politics or who remains
undecided or neutral

Example sentence:
Campaigning heated up in the swing states as the election
approached, both sides making a last bid for the mugwump vote.(so there you have it!)

I have been tagged by Ozzzy... Grrrrrr. So here goes:-

“Each person tagged gives 7 random facts about themselves. Those tagged need to write in their blogs the 7 facts, as well as the rules of the game. You need to tag seven others and list their names on your blog. You have to leave those you plan on tagging a note in their comments so they know that they have been tagged and to read your blog.”

1... I have served as a soldier

2... I have been a fisherman

3... I have been a Lifeboat crew member

4... I have had my own steel fabrication business

5... I have been bankrupt

6... I am a lifelong Pagan

7... I have been married for 40 years

I tag Baxter, antlady69, freeasthewind, grumpybloke, sweetladyjane, lazybug, marvo.

Now folks, you are not going to believe this! I have just returned from the BBQ which I was invited to, just up the lane from me. when I get there there isn't a soul in site. Methinks 'Funky old bean you have the wrong date' It was only Baxter hareing out of the door, gob full of sausage roll, followed closely by high heeled shoe, that made me realise there was life on this planet. Everyone, well, all six guests plus mine hosts because the weather is so crap,were sitting indoors watching a film. They wave towards a solitary bottle of beer and a stale egg and cress sarnie 'Shushing ' my every move. Right pissed off I was, I can assure you, after all I had even put water on my hair for the occassion but that’s OK they had made an effort, not much of one but an effort all the same. Good job I bought a bottle or two of red as my contribution.
Sitting down on the floor I couldn't believe the crap they were so engrossed in called 'Speed three' or something like that. Have any of you seen it?The third sequel to the so called action adventure sees our heroes trapped aboard a runaway tractor with a radioactive pig strapped to the roof - set to explode if the tractor’s speed falls below three miles per hour. The script is particularly lame and the performances are rarely anything more than mediocre. It is only the spectacular action sequences that make the film worthwhile, and Ronnie Corbet is to be commended for performing many of the stunts himself. Of particular note is the thrilling conclusion, in which Tommy Lee Jones, playing the villain, attempts to make his getaway by hanging on to the legs of a giant eagle. Corbet pole-vaults onto the bird’s back and wrestles it to the ground, finally subduing the vicious creature by smashing its brains out against a cigarette vending machine. I don't know about shooting the film ? They should have shot the director.
Baxter of course comes to my rescue as usual performing his famous party trick. It's called 'Crapping on the carpet'. Here boy! Have a biscuit.
Hic…. I feel like a lie down before I fall down.
……. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm off to a BBQ now. I'm not sure i I;m in any sort of mental state after being involved in Usksiders latest blog but I will do my best to enjoy myself even although it's frickin' freezin' and blowing a hooligan.

Cheerio, I maybe some time

A nine year old girl in Berlin has been arrested by Interpol and is now being questioned by British detectives regarding the cash for honours scandal which almost broke Tony Blair.

The girl called the police when her mother told her to tidy her room. The girl's two year old brother raised the alarm and the police came round. After the police laughed about the room, they received an urgent message telling them that the girl may not be as innocent as she looks.

Her younger brother is believed to have masterminded the whole thing with Tony Blair's knowledge. The girl provided the muscle and it's beleived that she may have threatened Blair with wedgies and chinese burns if he mouthed off.

The allegation has been strongly denied by the girl's mother who said "Dieses ist eine komplette Last des Misten, vermutlich begonnen von Gordon Brown, der eine Spitze pissed weg mit Tony im Augenblick ist".

A Bill is about to get its third and final reading in the Commons next week which could affect many of our up and coming British rock music groups.

If the Bill is passed, then all rock bands must have a realistic name and not one just made up, to fall in line with EU trade description policy. This is in response to complaints received in Brussels and the confusion that was caused when some Italian conservationists bought a CD by the contemporary beat combo, the Arctic Monkeys.

"We knew about arctic foxes and arctic hares but we had no idea that you could find monkeys in the frozen wastes of the arctic circle. Imagine my dissappointment when we got it home and found that it was a load of english lads playing their loud thumpy thumpy in their bedrooms"

The Band named The Killers are due to appear in court later next week on charges of attempted murder along side Amy Winehouse, although sources say that she will probably get away with a caution as she has just opened a chain of off license and convenience mini markets.

It is rumoured that Paul Rodgers is contemplating quitting the music business altogether.

Sorry I meant 1836. PM not AD. The time my boiled egg will be ready but as you are here please read on.

A pointless survey carried out by some market researchers has shown that more and more British men prefer to use the back door rather than the front. Research showed a twenty percent increase in males under twenty using the back door on last year.

One man said that he feels more excited using the back door but his wife prefers him to go round the front if at all possible.

"Sometimes I accidentally go through the back door with out noticing. Before I know it I'm there."

Women showed that they don't mind their husbands nipping in through the back way but prefer them to go round the front.

Many women over thirty said that they would like it if their partners would use the back door when ever they like.

One woman commented by saying,

"I think it's far more familiar to go round the back. My husband makes more of a mess if he goes to the front."

The majority of home owners still prefer a partner to use the front door on a first visit and also to wipe their feet and take off their shoes before entering.

Great! A mug of char and a bacon banjo. Pure bliss!

Then we are off for a troll around wiv da camera. No rivers tho this time.
Tata

It's off to the surgery for a blood test. If I make it that is! Starving from midnight is soooooooo cruel. Never mind she is a pretty little vampire

The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad! The second most popular isn't Bert

Good Evening.
It has been a lovely day today. The sun's been out and the birds doing what birds do best. Squawking, cooing down my chimney, pooping on my car and generally really getting 'up my nose.' Only joking you bird lovers. I rather like birds actually but then you will already have gathered that.

The only bird I have a grievance against though are pigeons! they have been the farmers bane since crop husbandry was in it's infancy. Hey! that was posh? Were you impressed? Anyway I detract. Attacking crops in their thousands throughout the winter and leaving fields of 'Oilseed Rape' almost bare. It seems now though that some farmers are making a fortune, capturing the little varmints alive and exporting them.

Sales of pigeons to Sweden have reached an all-time high, due to environmental concerns and the fact that they are now bred to imitate an increasing number of ringtones. A survey last month revealed that pigeon sales have now outstripped sales of mobile phones for the first time in 150 years.

A spokesbird for the International Pigeon Federation was reported in last Monday's Times as saying, "Coo, coo, coo, coo, coo-coo, coo." However, he later claimed he was misquoted.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong,
is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of the PC brigade very angry and they widely regard it as a bad move.

Tonight, I have been running, coughing wheezing and cursing, around the countryside, trying to catch one of my next door neighbour's Exmoor ponies. The little fat creature was feasting on our wheat. After puffing and panting my way around and around a twenty acre field, going arse over tit several times in the dark we eventually corner and recapture the beast. My initial thoughts were that the only fit place for all equines was in a tin, to serve up to Baxter for his tea but then I got to thinking. Why are there so many more horses about now than there were even five years ago? This needs investigating. So where to start? The pub of course.

The general consensus seems to be that spiralling fuel costs and environmental concerns have led to a resurgence of the horse-drawn horse . Formerly the playthings of the aspiring middle-classes, who dress them up in bows at weekends and ponce around at gymkhanas, the horse is once again becoming a common sight on our roads.

They are cheaper to run than cars, being fed mostly on a diet of leftovers, the occasional sugar lump and their own dung. Four legs - one at each corner for stability - means they have a considerable speed advantage over ducks. And since science has consistently failed to deliver the flying cars and personal jetpacks they've been promising since the fifties, it looks like the horse will set the standard for transport in the future.

But gone is the traditional image of the mangy, fly-blown creature of yesteryear. Today's horses are sleeker, faster and more aerodynamic than their ancestors. There are already a number of colours and models available, from the compact and nippy pony, to the more spacious stallion, which is ideal for larger families. And most of them come with driver's airbag and CD player fitted as standard.

However, the increasing desirability of the horse has presented a new target for teenage joyriders, and horse theft is now a serious problem in many inner city areas. Sometimes the animals are stolen to order, in which case it is the larger, deluxe animals that are at risk. But opportunists will target the cheaper models - horses that are easily broken into, left unlocked or gullible enough to be led away on the promise of a carrot.

One young offender explained why he does it.

"It's the crack, innit mate. Horses is dark. You wanna look cool, you and the rude boys gotta jack a pony, and tear up the hood before the Babylon come knocking on your gates."

I didn't have a f***ing clue what he was talking about, so I asked Inspector Willie of Bedfordshire Police why young kids found horses so attractive.

"I think it's their sleek, muscular shoulders, their musky smell and their large yet surprisingly pert bottoms. Well, that's why I like them."

Fearing that Inspector Willie had misunderstood, I tried to clarify my question by asking him why young kids found stealing horses so attractive.

"Well, for the same reasons really," he explained. "And also I think it's their way of rebelling against the establishment. Most of these kids come from deprived homes. Some of them, for instance, don't even have a surround sound TV, or a Playstation 2. So when they see a nice new horsey sitting in someone's drive, they feel angry and confused."

And so they steal it?

"And so they steal it," Inspector Willie confirms. "As any normal, decent human being would in those circumstances. I feel really sorry for these kids, although I do recognise that they are causing a problem. They will take a horse and tear round the streets doing handbrake turns and wheelies, causing considerable concern to the residents. A lot of the time we are able to recover the animal, although more often than not we find it in a sorry state. Sometimes it's just the saddle that has been slashed. On other occasions we may find it up on bricks with its feet missing, or in extreme cases it may be just a burnt out skeleton at the side of the road. The trouble is, we simply don't have the resources or the manpower to stop it." " I don't mind if I do. A pint will do nicely. Thanks.

The police may be unable to do anything about the problem, but the good news is that there is something you can do. Odell-based company Secure-O-Horse is offering a number of security options to prevent your precious nag from falling victim to horse thieves. Currently on offer are a range of alarms, rein-locks and tracking devices - and the company hopes to have a set of fetlock clamps on the market in time for Christmas. There you go Normal! An idea for the wifes stocking.

Cheers me dears

Funky

Hiya.
Don't get too close to the monitor, I have a hacking corf, a sore throat and a multitude of other symptoms. It would take too long to explain them all here but I am the epitome of a truly stoic Englishman. Do I go looking for sympathy? Do I play on every symptom? Do I act the dying duck when anyone comes into the room, or calls me on the phone? Too darned right I do! What point is there being on death's door otherwise? I have Baxter running around in circles waiting on me paw and paw; eating the scraps off of my plate to save me washing up while at the same time jumping up on the sofa where I'm languishing with my laptop and licking the soles of my bare feet! Lovely, as one is just dozing off.

I'm keeping this just short enough tonight to worry my readership enough that they get to sending me loads of comments.

Goodnight my friends I leave you with my personal horoscope and a little joke I thought was rather funny and in my case apt

MY PERSONAL HOROSCOPE: LEO**

I sense a great disturbance in your aura. Lucky balls will haunt you.

On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.
'Look what I've done, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbour.

'That's surely something,' Willard. How long did it take you?"

"Only two weeks."

"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"

"Darn tootin'," Willard said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years."

Oh, the footballs over! I feel better now.

The use of the word "gangs" to describe youths who hang around committing crime could make their activities worse, a study has claimed.

The Youth Justice Board conducted a major study on "gangs" and concluded that the term is "inappropriate". It also suggested replacing the phrase "gang-related" with "group-related". The new terminology for gang should be something nice and cuddly like "cluster".

The "crimes" committed by these "clusters" should not be called "crimes" as it makes it look as if they are doing something "wrong", they are just being misunderstood and the new terminology should reflect this.

The "misunderstandings" by these "clusters" should also be changed, according to Li Beral, of the YJB.

Instead of "robbery", which is a nasty phrase to bandy around sensitive youths, should be changed to "misappropriation", stabbing should be changed to "heightened interlocution" and threatening to pop a cap in some mo-fo's ass should be henceforth referred to as "terminally inconclusive dialogue"

Sexual offences will also be re-branded, so as to avoid any unnecessary suffering on the part of any members of the "clusters" perpetrating the "misunderstanding".

Sexual harassment will now be called a "carnal misunderstanding" Rape will be termed "presumptive physical monologue".

Violent sexual offences will have to be called "mutual carnal misunderstanding" due the fact that these type of offences include more than one party, the "missunderstander" and the "missunderstandee" , and it is mutual, as these things are rarely one sided.

I'm totally fed up. I have just posted a fairly long article and it has just vanished into the ether. OK, not the end of the world you might say So I decide to read my friends blogs as I do every day.

Oh look, Usksider has poster a picture! I reply with a stupid comment and a picture. Html isn't working so he gets a load of script and no pic. Then comments won't send and to cap it all then the bloody lot crashes.

How much longer do we have to endure this crap? BLUK have been promising for months that things will improve but they never do. They just get worse.

Bugger it! This probably won't send anyway so I don't know why I'm bothering. I'm off to look for another blog, tho I doubt they will be any different once they have got my money.

Message to BLUK ... Halten Sie bitte Ihre Versprechung und sortieren Sie dieses heraus

A designer of role playing games in Harrold has invented the world's first one sided dice, especially for fatalists. No matter how many times you throw it, it always comes up with the same result in accordance with the theory that all events in the universe are predetermined.

He has also developed a dice with an infinite number of sides, for those people who prefer to believe that all possible outcomes are played out amongst an infinite number of universes. Currently he is working hard to construct a purely metaphysical idea of a dice, so that the Gods and Godesses can play dice with the universe.

If you can think of any other sort of dice that our man in Harrold could invent and you'd like to take part in stretching a rather weak and frankly disappointing joke way beyond its natural comedy threshold, then send your suggestions to:

The Man who hangs around the High Street directing traffic and generally poking his nose into other peoples business

Harrold, United Kingdom PLC (A division of IKEA)

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient chicks?

If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Or in Turkeyish ...... Gobble gobble. Gobble gobble gobble .... Gravy

How do i do a balanced chemical equation for the reaction of beryllium carbide with water?

A satirist today wrote a 500-word article lampooning something in the news. He is reported to have said to friends: "I have no idea how to articulate my rage at the ineptitude of governments or the folly of celebrities and so instead I will write a funny fake news article in which I will turn some item of news on its head for satiric effect."

It is believed that the satirist, 65 last Friday, had strong views of his own which he needed to shoehorn into the article. This quickly became a problem, according to his long in the tooth long-time girlfriend, 92, who told us: "He said he didn't know how to suggest his views subtly so he really needed some kind of fake quote where a made up guy is just basically his mouthpiece. He thought this would really make it hit home."

Alternatively, it is thought by some experts, he could have invented a totally outrageous caricature of his most hated political figure and made them say something stupid to make them seem ridiculous.

It is further believed that the targets of his hard-hitting satire include George W Bush's intelligence, the absence of WMD in Iraq, the state of the privatised railways and pensioners who vote BNP.

It was particularly important for him to present his opinions as radical. This would, it is thought, make him look very clever and everyone else seem stupid. He is believed to have achieved this by use of exclamation marks and heavy sarcasm.

Reaction to the satirist's article has so far been muted.

Late news - Satirist tells everyone else what to think live on radio
Marcus Bigcock of the Now Shite says "I have the right opinions and anyone who disagrees with me is stupid or evil. And I shout for satiric effect. Sometimes really sarcastically. Anyone read today's Guardian? I need a comic shouty piece with liberal bent in five minutes."

Armadillos can walk underwater

Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

An email received today
.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
• Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
• Why the early bird gets the worm;
• Life isn't always fair;
• and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a plaster to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

I found some photos from Feb 06 and have decided to return to the Weald and Downland Open Air Museum for a longer look, in the very near future. It is a fascinating place to visit. I hope you enjoy the pictures

Take the virtual tour
http://www.wealddown.co.uk/weald.htm

A man had a terrible accident. His manhood was mangled and torn from his body. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for
his manhood to be rebuilt, but the NHS couldn't cover the expense. It
was considered cosmetic. He had three choices - small for £3,500; medium
for £6,500 and large for £14,000.
The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor suggested that
he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was made.
The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his wife
and told her their options.
The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad. "Did you make a
decision?" the doctor asked.
... "Yes," said the man. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

“The Chinese government is against any form of animal cruelty and mistreatment, fully appreciates common feeling of caring for animals shared by mankind, and is endeavoring to strengthen animal protection in China. While improvements have been made already and are continuing to be made in this area, we sincerely hope, through dialogue rather than confrontation, to strengthen mutual understanding with friends and well-intentioned NGOs in the course of eliminating animal cruelty and mistreatment”. Says the Embassy of the People's Republic of China in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland That is a quote from 2003

What an outright despicable lie. I for one will be boycotting Chinese goods from now on.

Have these people no humanity at all?

Here is an article from 2007

http://news.sky.com/skynews/video/videoplayer/0,,31200-1266788,.html
Don’t watch this if you are easily upset.

I have just sent this email.

Dear Sir
I am appalled by the cruelty towards animals shown on Sky News this morning.

http://news.sky.com/skynews/video/videoplayer/0,,31200-1266788,.html

I will not be buying anything manufactured in your country until this outrageous behaviour is stopped. Scenes like this are completely unacceptable in this day and age.

Yours sincerely

Peter Whyte

The popular UK Blog site, which coincidentally is called, Blog.uk. although it is German, was unavailable for much of the morning today following a severe technical fault. According to the webmaster, Douglas von Ramsbottom, a power outage caused a hard drive failure, taking the web site offline. "We apologise sincerely for any inconvenience caused and we assure our visitors that steps have been put in place to stop this from happening again," Herr Ramsbottom lied said. "Deuchland Deuchland uber alles, donner und blitzen! The person responsible for putting coins in the meter has been disciplined. Ya vole mein hairy armpit".

Grab a bargain Ramsbottom NOW
WWW.EBAY.COM

Good Morning.

BLUK have 'strutted' their stuff, as announced and we are back online.
As to whether it makes a blind bit of difference remains to be seen. Going on past experience, somehow I doubt it!

I read somewhere that crabs have two anuses, or should that be anusi? I'm confused now?

Ms Funky has somehow got me to agree to install oil fired central heating.I'm not looking forward to the task either, doesn't the woman realise the walls of this house are 18" thick? Anyway how can I do that when I have a blog to write?

I'm off to cheer up

Byeeeeee

Good Evening.
Have you just got home from work with a blinding headache? Do you just hate having to go to the chemist just to buy overpriced placebos in an effort to cure thet annoying headache? WELL NOW THERE IS A NEW AND ENTIRELY EFFECTIVE WAY OF COMBATING HEADACHES!

Scientists at the University of Bedfordshire's department of Buggering about and Headology have discovered a cure that offers real benefit for those on the move. My drinking partner, Professor Ivan Aikenead explains.

"I find, that when I have a pain in the arse head the problem can be solved by using to large bricks. What you must do is take a brick in each hand, and place your head in between them like this. Than you clasp them together and apart until the pain subsides. I will demonstrate. That's once more Toget......"

It is clear that from the lack of complaints from users of Brickology that the effects are immediate and permanent, you need never worry about headaches again! Another clear benefit of the Aikened Method over inferior brands is that its free! Just nick 2 bricks from a building site and your chortlin'! So don't hesitate go out and test the benefits of Brickology.

(The creators of BRICKOLOGY are not responsible for any adverse effects of the medication. These include.. loss of head, permanent brain damage, accidental death and loss of hearing.)

A newlywed couple were looking for ways to make a few extra
bucks. They had thrown around a few ideas, but the husband
suggested that his wife do some prostitution. On that night he
let her out of the car and told her that if she needed anything,
he would be around the corner. He then tells her that she is to
charge no less than £100 for her services. He drives away and
parks around the corner. A car pulls up with a man asking for
service. She tells him that it will be £100. He digs around in
his wallet and pulls out £30. He then asks what he can get for
the money. She asks him to wait there for a minute and tells
him that she would be right back. She runs around the corner
and explains to her husband that she has a customer that only
has £30 and asks what she can give him for it. The husband
tells her that she can give the man a hand job. She runs back
to the car with the man anxiously waiting for her return, and
tells him that she will give him a hand job. She gets into the
car and begins unzipping his pants. To her amazement, she pulls
out a very large penis. She then asks the guy to wait there
for just a second more. She runs back around the corner and asks
her husband "Can I borrow £70?"

Go away. I'm thinking.

PS: While you are here you might as well read this guy. He is hilarious.
http://grumpus.blog.co.uk

Now where was I?   Ummmmm?

Border tensions between England and Wales have increased after Welsh farmers seized 15 English ramblers accused of trespassing on their pastures. The Ramblers' Association rubbished the claims, saying that the elderly walkers were on a recognised public footpath.

The farmers paraded the ramblers at a village fete where one of the captives confessed whilst being was forced to present the raffle to straying from the path to look at a butterfly. Another hostage was seen spinning the tombola in the background, surrounded by burly shepherds.

The farmers later released the only woman hostage, Mrs Faye Wiggins, who spoke to the press about her fear in the hands of her captors: "I was kept separate from the others and then the farmers told me that the men had been let go." She broke down in tears as she talked about her humiliation when made to judge a cake competition at the fete, during which she was forced to admit that Welsh cakes tasted better than English cakes. As she was sampling the cakes under the watchful glare of members of the village's elite Women's Institute, she could hear other local women talking about "stodgy" English muffins behind her.

Mrs Wiggins sold her story to the Monmouth Gazette for a rumoured two figure sum.

The incident has been regarded by some as a deliberate attempt by the Welsh to divert attention away from their ongoing cultural enrichment process, and specifically the development of their own language capability. However, UN observers have reported that the Welsh are "a very long way off" having a credible, coherent language of their own and that such propaganda, like their rugby team, should not be taken seriously.

Good Morning.

Had you ever thought that if it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight!

I just wondered

In my infinite wisdom, I cancelled my Sky subscription. God knows how many channels of crap all for just £43 a month. I sit here now watching a load of people with there heads so far up there own backides that it's sickening. The BAFTAS.

If I could thing of a subject I might pen a missive but me 'eads gorn blank. Any suggestions?

Well, I have been told in no uncertain terms that my blog is crap. That my entries are that of a Satyr. Oh dear! And this from a friend that takes three weeks to write a short essay on Thomas Crapper? She should perhaps get herself a blog and show us all how it should be done. I await the event with baited breath but as usual I expect it will be the case of the empty vessels making the most noise. LOL. I still love her really in a sort of "Just let me put my hands around your throat" kind of way.

With all that said, I'm off to have rather a long sulk and spit a few feathers.

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was honoured by Blues' fans at yesterday's FA Cup final against Manchester United at the New Wembley stadium, with a revival of the old Stamford Bridge favourite One Man And His Dog.

Mourinho, the chosen one, has been an inspirational figure at Chelsea, and never more so than this week, when he was stopped by police for allowing his dog to foul the footpath near his home.

The Portugueezer and his dog, called Spot, were both arrested and taken to a police station in central London. Mr Mourinho was released on Thursday, but Spot is still being held in custody facing charges of 'illegally laying dog eggs on a Public Right of Way'.

The Chelsea boss has had a difficult week for, apart from his arrest, his squad has been decimated by injury problems, and is down to the last 43 fit players. Yesterday he made the 'hilarious' decision to name goalkeeper Hilary Hilario as a centre forward ahead of Didier Dogdirt - a direct result of Spot's indiscretion earlier in the week.

Chelsea fans had been practising the song in close harmony all week, and were ready to do battle with United fans by kick-off on Saturday.

United fans have, themselves, developed a version of the song, with a slight amendment to the lyrics. Reds' fan Arnie Sidebottom said:

"Our song 'One Man Went To Moan' is a much catchier version."

And once again the Police Federation has called on ministers to abandon 'arrest targets' which, they say, have forced officers into ludicrous decisions to apprehend and throw in jail, perpetrators of nothing more than everyday mundane acts.

In one of these, a 12-year-old boy was charged with assault, after he threw a bun to an elephant at Dudley Zoo. And in another, where an old lady swatted a fly in Worcester, a charge of murder has been brought.

Other examples of 'easy targets' included twin 8-month-old babies who were arrested in Yarmouth, one for throwing his rattle out of his pram, and his sister for crying too loudly.

West Midlands Police Commissioner, Ronald Gadzooks, complained in a letter to PM Fony Blair, that targets hampered real crime detection, and that thousands of 'man hours' per year were wasted on, what he called, 'petty offences'.

"My officers are tired of answering calls to crimes which they have no way of solving", he said, "like burglaries. My advice to anyone who has been burgled is: Forget it. Contact your insurance company, not the police, and move on!"

Other forces around the UK have the same sorry outlook. Hampshire Police have told victims of car crime to "get a new car - steal one if you have to! - or take the bus", and the Lancashire Constabulary's answer to the growing drug problem in that area, rather than trying in vain to stem the flow of narcotics, is 'Just say "Yes" and have done with it!'

Calls to assault cases, unsociable, disruptive or drunken behaviour, and criminal damage are routinely ignored, officers turning up three or four days later to "take a statement".

A Home Office spokesman, who wished to remain nameless, said he resented the criticism levelled at 'targets', saying:

"There are far too many people in this country thinking they can go around slinging cucumber slices just whenever they feel like it."

Football legend Fred Talbot has died suddenly at his home aged just 87.

Stars from around the footballing globe have paid tribute to the former Cheltenham Town reserve goalkeeper, who some considered as simply the second 'best goalkeeper' in Cheltenham. During the 1947/48 season.

Former team mate Ted Stupid, a Grade Four clarinet-player as well as legendary right-back for Cheltenham and later Swindon, described the impact Fred Talbot had on football. "Fred?" he asked emotionally, "Goalkeeper? I remember a lad called Ted. I think."

Pele chipped in, as usual, describing Fred as "a wonderful man and a wonderful talent" before including him in his latest World XI best ever footballers, alongside Nicky Butt.

As well as almost playing in goal for Cheltenham Town, Fred went on to nearly play for Altrincham and Tamworth before retiring after his mum told him to go out and get a proper job.

Although unmarried, Fred leaves behind forty-two children, none of whom ever made it to the same professional standard as Fred – although several represented top flight Scottish teams, including Rangers and the European Cup-winning Celtic side of the 1960s.

Sir Bobby Charlton was unavailable for comment but his weather presenter daughter Sir Jack Charlton was. "Fred Talbot was brilliant. Me and the missus used to love watching him climb up those tall chimneys before blowing them up an' all that. Eh?"

Clubs up and down the country are expected to mark his passing with a minute's general hubbub at half-time where supporters are invited to remember Fred "in their own way".

Commercial manager Robin Bland explained, "Supporters can show their grief in many ways, be it a moment of quiet reflection, by standing up to stretch their legs or even by purchasing one of the many refreshments available on the concourse," he hawked, shamelessly. "Fred loved a Balti Pie, I believe, and there is a special offer on in his memory, 5% off the usual price making it a tasty way to remember a legend, for just £1.90."

Alternative plans are in place for Manchester United and Chelsea's visit to Wembley on Saturday, where Fred is likely to be commemorated by half an hour of senseless disruption to the game, followed by a large fine.

Fred Talbot factfile
Born: Breech position, 01/04/1920
Playing career: Truro Celtic U14s B team, Cheltenham Town (reserve), Tamworth (reserve), Altrincham (reserve)
Honours: 'Most improved player' Truro Celtic 1934, South West Counties Amateur Cup Runners-Up (non-playing member) 1947. 12 month suspended sentence, Drink Driving, 1963. Paternity suit (lost) 1947, 48, 49, 52, 54, 54, 54, 56, 58, 59, 60, 61 and 64

The latest politically correct act of the custodians of our nanny state is going to be to introduce legislation banning smoking during sexual intercourse.

Junior Health Minister Ms. Fanny Nanny said that the Government is concerned about the health risks to both partners. "We commissioned a secret study into sex-related injuries, by men with ladders and binoculars. The result is frightening. 20% of adults who have engaged in sex while one partner was smoking have been injured."

The daft biddy added "It is not just dropping ash burning sensitive parts of the body. Some partners, particularly from East Anglia, forget to take their cigarettes out of their mouth when kissing each other, which probably explains why so many people in Norfolk have ruddy complexions."

She horrifyingly continued "We've had reports of people engaged in more erotic acts of lovemaking burning their partners' bottoms or genitalia. We have no idea how that happened but we want to put a stop to it."

People who smoke while making love will risk a £1,000 fine or up to 3 months in jail.

In recognition of the fact that human hair can act as kindling, there will be a specific exception for slapheads, who will be allowed to puff and pull at the same time with other slapheads.

We tried to interview the Secretary of State for Health, but he was too busy banning something else.

The Campaign for the Right to Atmospheric Pollution (CRAP) said "This is just another senseless attack on smokers. What have smokers ever done to hurt anyone?" We started to answer the question but the spokesman ran off.

David Cameron immediately condemned the new law but refused to say whether a Conservative Government would repeal it. When asked whether he had ever smoked while having sex, he said "I refuse to answer personal questions that have no relevance to my ability to do my job as leader of the Opposition". When asked what his party's policies were, he repeated the same answer.

L. Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
E. Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

TAKE TWO

I bought a new camera today and decided to give it a try. Hmmmm bad mistake. I will let the pictures tell the tale. I think they will appear here in reverse order but to be honest I don't care after the day I have had LOL I'm not even sure this will work but here we go.Needless to say I won't be moaning about my community charge this year.

The location is Felmersham about three miles from me and the river the Great Ouse

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3817.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3818.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3820.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3822.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3823.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3824.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3825.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3827.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3828.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3829.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3831.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3830.jpg

I bought a new camera today and decided to give it a try. Hmmmm bad mistake. I will let the pictures tell the tale. I think they will appear here in reverse order but to be honest I don't care after the day I have had LOL I'm not even sure this will work but here we go.Needless to say I won't be moaning about my community charge this year.

The location is Felmersham about three miles from me and the river the Great Ouse

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3817.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3818.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3820.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3822.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3823.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3824.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3825.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3827.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3828.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3829.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3831.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v609/Funky/Out%20and%20about/IMG_3830.jpg

My thong I mean. I told Marvo I needed it as well! Cheek

Well me ‘oliday got off to a bad start. It was bank holiday Monday and there had been that horrendous accident on the M25. Seven poor souls lost their lives. Not a good omen!

We set off at 7am thinking the journey to Portsmouth would take about four hours, in fact it took only two due to the motorway being closed beyond out turn off at junction 10.
If anyone is desperate for rain, then just invite me for a holiday. The heavens opened as we hit Watford and only gave up for a couple of hours at a time from then on. The same thing has happened on the last four occassions that we have ventured to site anew.

Baxter and Jenna enjoyed being sea dogs on the crossing to the island of course being fussed over and fed by numerous kids and their owners. The downside to the trip is that I dropped my best camera getting back into the car. Anyway that’s enough for now I will continue the saga bye the bye.

Here are a few pics of the crossing. I’m afraid the quality isn’t that good due to the mist.

Hiya Folks.
Here I am, back off me hols. Hardly rested and restored but that's another long wearisome tale. Enough to say it wasn't as I had envisaged but that is tale for the near furure.

I thought I would share with you a story I received among my 342 emails. Most inviting me to improve the size of my penis or enlarge my breasts! One of which might be advantagous but the other definatly not. Anyway, that leads me into the article quite neatly.

Six people appeared at the Old Bailey yesterday charged with unlawfully selling, or trying to sell, integral and 'essential' human body parts. Kidneys, lungs, arms and a testicle were all sold, sometimes for as little as £15, and, in some cases, for even less during the January Sales.

Christopher Goulash, of West London, sold one of his kidneys and his liver for £120 to an Indian woman who was making a stew for a wedding party last December.

His accomplice, Arnold Lepper, also of London, offloaded a lung and one of his testicles to an Arab sheik, and his right leg to a Harley Street clinic, in order to raise money to send his son to university. As a result, he was given a 2-year suspended jail term, and an 18-month ban on selling any other parts of his anatomy.

In the worst case of its kind, police arrested Archie Forster for attempting to sell his head on eBay. A detective posed as a buyer, and when the two met to conclude the deal in a Glasgow car park, undercover officers pounced and managed to place Forster in custody with his bonce still attached and intact.

Three others, a man and two women, were sentenced to a total of 16 years, for supplying arms, eyes, kneecaps and breasts to people who didn't already have them. Davis Mellor, of Kensington, a well-known arms dealer, got a slap on the wrist.

Lung, leg and testicle vendor Lepper, a car mechanic, was defiant as he was led away to begin his sentence, and shouted to reporters outside the court:

"My body and its various parts are mine to do with as I see fit. I am currently taking offers on my arse."

Has anyone seen my gold lam'e thong? I lent it to someone but can't remember who!

Was it you?

The NY Times reports the following: "This guy's the champion, " said Patricia Brennan, a behavioral ecologist, leaning over the nether regions of a duck - a Meller's duck from Madagascar, to be specific - and carefully coaxing out his phallus" It was just such behavior that caused fellow ducks to quack in their boots and call the ASPSCA, the sexual cruelty branch of the ASPCA.

More of the Times Duckrotica that outraged readers: "The duck was quietly resting upside-down against the stomach of Ian Gereg, an aviculturist here at the Livingston Ripley Waterfowl Sanctuary. Dr. Brennan, a post-doctoral researcher at Yale University and the University of Sheffield, visits the sanctuary every two weeks to measure the phalluses of six species of ducks"

Animal defenders are branding this behavior as mass molestation."This woman is only about embarrassing waterfowl. Why doesn't she stay home and measure her mate if she can find one! Listen to her cruel innuendos:

"When she first visited in January, the phalluses were the size of rice grains. Now many of them are growing rapidly. The champion phallus from this Meller's duck is a long, spiraling tentacle. Some ducks grow phalluses as long as their entire body. In the fall, the genitalia will disappear, only to reappear next spring"

Duck sex abuse advocacy group Leave our Duck Dicks Alone(LODDA) is outraged by what it calls: "The purely prurient interest of a sick human. . . The perverted attention to detail and the insulting focus on our genitalia is unconscionable!" LODDA cites the following NY Times passage:

"The anatomy of ducks is especially bizarre considering that 97 percent of all bird species have no phallus at all. Most male birds just deliver their sperm through an opening. Dr. Brennan is investigating how this sexual wonder of the world came to be"

LODDA found further offense in the insistence that females also be subjected to derision:

"Part of the answer, she has discovered, has gone overlooked for decades. Male ducks may have such extreme genitals because the females do too"

LODDA spokesperson, Daffy Donald Aflack protests the research and the NY Times article: "If anyone wrote so provocatively about human male phalluses and human female downtheres, there would be hell to pay. Who will stand up for the Ducks?!"

Hi
It has been a fair old while since I posted here and this is in response to all those kind friends who are enquiring as to my welfare. It's nice to know that people care.

I had promised not to mention my health again but by popular request I have to report that since last posted I have had a second heart attack. However, that's not stopping me from going to the Isle of Wight for a break next monday. So be prepared for lots of pictures to follow. LOL. Ain't you the lucky ones?

For those thinking of moving from blog.co.uk. Don't bother, the alternatives are rubbish.

That's about my lot for now as I have run out of steam.
Cheers
Pete aka Funky