Funky and Friends

I read a story the other day about a man who had trouble with the horn on his truck. It seems that the bloomin' thing developed a mind of its own and honked randomly, often at the most importune times. Luckily he lived out in the country and about the only problems his horn malfunction stirred up was disturbing his neighbours and causing horn-trained livestock to be disappointed that it wasn’t feeding time as they’d become trained to expect.

This got me to thinking about what would happen if the horn on my motor suddenly developed this same malady. I imagine that I’d have a lot more worries to deal with than just disturbed neighbours and disappointed cows.

I can see me sitting in a queue at a traffic signal, waiting for the green light behind some ol’ boy in one of those jacked-up, 4x4s full of half cut rugby players, when all of the sudden the horn on my truck decided to do a number and honked 4 or 5 times on its own----reckon he’d just smile and wave?

How about sitting waiting for a funeral procession to pass and as the guy walking serenely at the head of the cortege passes in front of me the horn decides to do its number? I’m sure he’d think that I was just paying my last respects to the dearly departed.

You know the prostitutes and dope dealers that show up on street corners late at night would really appreciate the attention they received if my horn honked when I passed them. I’m sure they’d smile and wave thinking I was one of their friends. Yeah right, the only wave I’d likely get was a pistol waving in my direction.

These are just a few of the many unfortunate situations that could arise should my horn catch whatever malady I read about. I sure hope it ain’t contagious. I think I’ll check out my horn just in case……. Well, I checked out my horn and everything seemed to be in order, at least it tooted when I pushed the button and stopped when I let up, so I guess everything is working okay.

Now thinking about all this horn stuff has got me really concerned. First I was worried that the stupid thing would start honking when it’s not supposed to, but after giving it some more thought, I’m now concerned that the damned thing might be close to running out of honks. Does anybody know how many honks a horn is supposed to have in it? They’re electric/mechanical devices so there’s bound to be a finite number of toots in each one. Is there some kind of warning when they’re approaching their last toot?

I’m really not a hooter. I can count on the fingers of both hands the times I’ve actually used the horn to signal while driving, probably on one hand if you don’t count the times I honked for Ms Funky so I didn’t have to go in the house and get her and the times I’ve accidentally pushed the panic button on my key chain while sitting down at the watering hole.

The thing that has me worried is the smart-assed automatic lock system on my vehicle toots the horn twice to let me know when it’s locked and if it didn’t toot, I wouldn’t know if it was locked or not. In fact, I’m not sure if it will even lock without tooting.

This whole situation has me all confused. I figure the horn has tooted somewhere around 8 or 9,000 times so far and I really have no idea how many it has left in it. Maybe I should go down and get a new motor so I won’t have to worry about the horn. On second thought, I’ll probably save my money and just drive this one and see what happens. It may start honking randomly or it may give up and stop altogether, but whatever happens, it’ll be another life experience I can share with you.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Have a good 'un

Our mystery trip took us to Wimpole Hall. Nr Royston in Cambridgshire. I really enjoyed the day but have to admit I feel a little jaded now. So I have chosen just a few of the pics taken and offer a short commentary.

House

The house is a grand 18th Century building, the largest in Cambridgshire ,surrounded by extensive parkland, about forty miles from our home. Among other claims to fame, Rudyard Kipling's daughter lived here in the early 20th century. We went around the house a couple of years ago, but had not seen the gardens in the Spring. A lovely day gave us the opportunity just stroll around in the sunshine. To enjoy it to the full takes a whole day without being rushed

.
Lake

The lake would have been a very attractive feature, except that the swans which came over to meet us were clearly miffed that we hadn't brought any food for them and tried to eat David instead. The lake was also home to various geese ,ducks and coot.

Rare Breed Centre

Tamworth Rare Pigs

Glouster Old Spot

Newborn lamb I forget the breed

Long Horn Cattle

Soray Sheep

It's when things get tough you find out whom your friends are.
I'm finding out I have some wonderful friends. Today one spent about six hours cleaning out my greenhouse and generally tidying up my garden and boy did it need it. Yesterday another called up for a cuppa and ended up washing my car and fixing a broken gutter. Of course all under the strictest supervision by my good self. Tomorrow I'm being taken out for a drive with my camera.I love just driving about to nowhere in particular and just snapping away. That, to me, is the main advantage to owning a digital camera.

Bloggng friends are no less important to me. They give of their time and energy to read and comment, which makes me smile. They must be friends to put up with my drivel LOL. Anyway to all and sundry I say 'thank you'

Hello my friends.
I heard the cuckoo for the first time this year, a sure sign the warmer weather is with us. I'm have a bit of a dilema going on here. The swallows are back as well. They have done me the honour of nesting in my garage for several years now but this year we are taking the caravan to Cromer for a few days. I had just as well sit there as here. Do I leave the garage door open for them or do I do the sensible thing and lock it? Ummmm, let me think! Ok, I have thought. Leave it open. If any burglars call round they would probably take pity on me and leave something of value when they see just how destitute I really am. I might, as an extra precaution put up a sign saying 'BEWARE GUARD SWALLOWS' that should do the trick.

People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.
The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home his wife was naked in bed ready fo him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. When he felt the urge he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor and the doctor asked him how it went
He said, "Not to good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands up, naked."

Ok I'm about to mention what I promised not to mention when I mentioned it before.

I got a real roasting from the nurse today coz when she visited me unexpectantly this afternoon I was doing a bit of hoeing in the garden. Not very energetic hoeing you understand. More like shoving the implement about here and there, while watching the birds doing their thing and such like. Nurse Fay says I'm overdoing things? Yeah as bloody if!

Ms Funky then arrives home from the shop and they both get into syncronised nagging mode. Anyway, the outcome is that I should sit down for at least two hours a day and play quietly wiv me laptop. What sort of a result is that? YES!!!!! I never thought the day would come. Funky is back you lucky people.

With that I'm off to bed.

Nite nite

Hello dear reader.

You have to understand that the following article was sent to me by email and I cannot therefore authenticate it's validity. However my source is usually pretty accurate. See what you think.

" Kate Middleton's split from Prince William was sealed when her mother "jangled her car keys" in her pocket in full view of The Queen at a race meeting last month, friends of the future King have revealed.

The incident is said to have sparked a huge row at the Palace and left Her Majesty in a scorching fury which only subsided when joy at Dagenham and Redbridge's promotion to the football league, on which she had bet a large part of Buckinghamshire, intervened.

Palace sources say a distraught William was left with no choice but to end his four-year relationship. He was only cheered when – in an unusually sensitive moment - grandfather Prince Philip reminded him he would now be able to "fuck around a bit".

The Middleton family – whose two-bed, semi detached home in Bootle-sous-Mer has been besieged by reporters – have insisted the key jangling was an innocent mistake and that Kate's mum was only trying to temporarily relieve painful razor burns.

But court insiders were adamant the gesture had been made in a "suggestive manner" and implied that the offence was compounded by an invitation to the Monarch to "get it on Corgi-style" in a variety of dogging locations in West Sussex".

I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.

Oooh, you do look fed up! Smile!. The fox did not jump over the dog. The dog was not lazy. The fox was not so quick. The dog ate the fox.

The Cricket World Cup Super 8 stages reach an important point today for England who must win against South Africa to have any chance of qualifying for the semi-finals.

South Africa, though, aren't taking England lightly, and have promised to field a full eleven for the match. It had been thought that they may have rested key players, and tried to beat England with, say, seven or eight players, but this is not the case.

South Africa skipper Graeme Smith, said:

"England are crap. We'll field a full side though, because some of the lads need a run around after that binge-drinking episode at the weekend."

England go into the game without main strike bowlers Mike Hendrick and John Snow, and spinner Derek Underwood, whilst Geoff Boycott is fit again for selection after getting rid of his Panama hat.

England captain Frankie Vaughan warned the South Africans to be on their guard, and not to take anything for granted:

"I warn South Africa to be on their guard, and not to take anything for granted.
I think they will win though."

In other news, police have still not arrested anyone for the Bob Woolmer killing, and are now not even sure that he is dead.

They say that it never rains but it pours! Whoever ‘they’ are?
I think this last week or so has been the most horrific of my life so far. Easter Sunday I was out fiddling about in the garden when my world changed in an instant. A crushing pain in the chest caused me to collapse on the spot. An hour later in Bedford Hospital corony care unit. The diagnosis is a heart attack! Hmmmmm. A hard way to realise I’m no longer thirty but sixty five. I’m home now recovering much to Ms Funky’s delight. Her orders must now be obeyed without question.

On top of this on Tuesday morning my friend Ralph finally gave up the fight for life. Killed by pancriatic cancer. His suffering is over, for that I’m pleased but I will miss the silly sod like crazy.

Right, that’s the last time I will mention either event so it is safe to read any further posts without wringing out your hankies LOL

Claims made in a British national newspaper that women do not belong in the Armed Forces have angered some high-ranking British Army officials.

The Daily Mail newspaper said that women were not suited to the rough-and-tumble rigours of conflict, and should "pack up their troubles in their old kit bags" and go home.

But Colonel Piers Chauvinist-Schweinhund, a Falklands War veteran, and fan of Adolf Hitler, said:

"That's tosh. We value our womenextremely highly. They're every bit as useful as the men in many areas, including catering and the laundry."

Lance Corporaless Jane Skivvy of the Queens Royal Household Washing & Ironing Artillery agreed:

"There's nothing a man can do that I can't, apart from when the washer door sticks, or that little red light on the iron won't come on."

Another very important woman officer, Hyacinth Pencil-Sharpener, of the crack Mucking-out The Horses Regiment, said:

"Oh, ja! It's awfully good in the Armers! Equal treatment for the chaps and the chapesses, what? Rather!"

The outcry comes just days after the Iranian Government allowed the release of 15 Royal Navy personnel captured whilst swimming in Iranian waters two weeks ago. Amongst their number was Faye Turnkey who smokes 100 cigarettes a day, and sleeps with her rifle.
She was a particular favourite of Iranian President Mahmoud Armadinnerlady, who said:

"Britain is right to use women in its Armed Forces. They should use more. That way, they will be easier to beat in a scrap."

Port Talbot - (Plaid Cymru offcials are up in arms over German prosecutors charging a 44 year old Turkish national with animal cruelty after her was caught on video shagging a flock of sheep in the Wiesbaden area.

"Under EU regulations the man must go free," Welsh Nationalist Rhodri Morgan.

"Sheep shagging is an official Welsh olympic sport funded by the European Union since 2001.

"Contestants for the Beijing Olympics have been training hard all over Europe and their efforts monitored by funding bodies.

"This Turkish chappie is sponsored by none other than Neil Kinnock, one of the sport's official Grand Masters.

"We think his chances of an olympic gold medal may have been seriously compormised."

Filched from Spoof .com

Happy Easter Everyone

Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After

Having him under foot for a few months, his wife

Became very agitated with him. She suggested he

Go and do something to occupy his time, like join

A club or get a hobby.

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When he got home his wife asked about his day and

He replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung

Out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute

Club."

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're

Going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in

A Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great!, now what am I going to do? I signed up for

5 jumps a week!"

A funny old day today. I went to work, spraying at seven this morning and then the wind got up which stopped play. We don't want to be poisoning half of Bedfordshire, Northamptonshire and Buckinghamshire do we? Oh, I don't know! Perhaps that senario has some merit. Ralph clueless relations could do with a bit of a humane cull me thinks. Although he is a purebred Yorkshire man from Donny, most of his family seem to have drifted down this way over the years.

I trundled over to the sick bay around lunchtime to see if he was eating, or at least trying to, I opened his door to find eleven people in his room! The poor sod looked absolutely exhausted and really pissed off. I asked him how he was feeling? "Fed up with bloody spectators, I want to rest" was his weak reply. Nobody took any notice but carried on about young Agnes's latest additon to the tribe and Aunt Bertha's hysterectomy or somesuch. Of course this was the cue for 'big mouth here to ask them all to leave and be completely ignored.

In walks his five foot nothing McMillan nurse. "Everybody out now and in futer no more that two visitors in this room please and for no more than five minutes or unless specifically to stay buy Mr Turner. Do you all understand?" Yes, nurse of course nurse, three bags full nurse. Everybody traipsed off as quiet as mice.

Funny old day as I say. Me 6ft 4in and 17 stone gets completely ignored. Nurse Fay five ft nuffink and weighing in at about one pound six onces..... Result.

Don't you just LOVE it?

As for all the prayers and best wishes for Ralph. I showed him your comments this evening. He says to say "Thank you"

Today has been very traumatic for me. Sitting talking to a friend who is dying.
Trying to be strong but not really being all that convincing. I know my mum died of cancer many years ago but somehow this is different. I don’t know why, it just is.

Ralf and I have been friends for god knows how long? Since 1961 when we joined the army together. I remember the guy who was the fittest and strongest of us all, a guy that was built like a brick shithouse. Now he sits there administering his own morphine looking yellow and no flesh left on his bones.

For days you've been lying there with your life apparently draining out.
your very being hanging in the balance while waging the final bout.
with the respirator your umbilical cord barely affording you life's breath.
while standing on the threshold between life and eternal rest.

So feebly I am writing with a broken heart which may never heal.
Because mere words are barely adequate to express how melancholy I feel.

Could it be your destiny,old mate,to come to such an untimely end.
Seems just yesterday we said hello and already it's time to say goodbye forever
my dear friend. Is this a new beginning or the unclimatic end?
The battle though fought with fervour is futile because the grim reaper will always win.

One day no matter how we try to prolong it,we'll all face that final bout.
I just wonder will I see you when my time clock runs out.

My heart is breaking, I cry at the thought of my friend dying at anytime now. It’s unbearable. I can write no more …