Funky and Friends

It's back to work for you today, my boy.Best not wear your turkey suit if visiting Suffolk.

Idleness is no excuse for not washing your underwear today. Your effluent preceeds you.

Fear not,change is always for the good, ask any transsexual. You're as transparent as a blast of canned air - try to be more complex by wearing hats that are clearly too small for your head.

I have just read on the BBC that a robin has raised a clutch of chicks in a Christmas door wreath. They hatched on Jan 27th. Robins don't usually pair up until mid feb at the earliest let alone produce young!

Well, I found it interesting.

Back to do a bit of work tomorrow after three months idleness, can't wait

Thank goodness for that! The bird flue thing has saved the rolling new's bacon, if you get my drift.

The UN say UK has done a good job.

Defra say the councils and Bernard Mathews were quick off the mark.

The EU are happy with arrangments.

In walks Sky News the experts in everything poultry trying to scare the population shitless once again! Who's opinion are they seeking? You have probably guessed. Mr Pullet aged 99 who once ate a chicken nugget. Farmer Chick, three scraggy looking birds, Whose whole place like it could do with culling, him included.

Well, you get my drift. Keeping the public confused and ill informed. I'm beginning to think that there is some sort of plan to brainwash us all one way or another.

Bird flue ... 20 minutes

Jo Whatshername ... 10 minutes

Indonesian floods, loads killed ... One dramatic pic of some poor sod fighting for his life and ... 1 minute

I was doing a wee bit of pondering today. Just a whimsical wander you understand. I was wondering who or what the bright spark was who invented farming in winter? Who, or what manner of creature could be so perverse as to conjour up such an idea?

According to ‘The University of the Bleeding Obvious .co.uk’ suspect farms were actually the brain child of cows. The whole domestication idea was probably their own after trying to fend for themselves in the jungle. They probably actually urged us to fence them in. "Look, here's our proposition, a 'hay for milk' program. We give a top grade that's not only a thirst quenching drink, but good for cheese and butter and something we like to call 'chocolate shakes'. You'll get the complete recipe book. Just put up a couple of fences for us. Right now all we've got are our tails. Unlike flies, mass frantic swishing has failed to scare away a single lion. Our fastest sprinters can't even out run the old lame cheetahs. It's sad. We're just not nimble with these little spindly legs. Attempts to hoist ourselves up the trees, although initially seen as an innovative idea, weren't successful as we completely forgot about such nemeses as the bears and pythons. Geez-O-Pete!! Was that a mistake?

So you see there really is no place for us to go. And just to sweeten the deal, as if it needs sweetening, we'll throw in a couple of sheep. Cute and cuddly, aren't they? They don't know what's going on half the time and I don't even think they'll notice where they are. You'll find their wool will make warm garments. Have you ever thought about growing a patch of mint? We'll explain that later."

Improbable you might say! but you must admit it is possible? It is after all, no less plausible than man decending from apes! Yeah go on pull the other one! 'Darwin' I hear you utter, tho god knows why? Darwin is in Australia innit?

G'Day All

Chunks of meat will plague you today...or give you the plague. The mystics are being terribly vague on this one. Distinguished guests will honour you today with their presence.

Scientists will help you today by informing you that you can catch love in jars and spread love like a disease. This will cause your heart to leap and you'll immediately feel like you want to grab the nearest person and slurp their face off. Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake. This is especially true for at least one person today, whose loved one happens to drive a very large bus and will suddenly lose the ability to brake whilst driving straight towards your house.