Hi my friends. this is Baxter calling. I thought that as it is 'International Dog' Day. (Well, it is in Harrold so stop nit picking!) I would combine that with a slightly Sundayish type thingy offering. An inspirational offering from a strictly canine point of view:
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Forget that! I live with Funky.
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it going to be the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle', the 'Buick Baxter'?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More steak, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands and play even deader to get in?
Dear God: Are there postmen on bikes in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologise?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,cowpats etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
4. The nappy bucket is not a biscuit tin.
5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mum and Dad's laps.
6. The binman is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mum's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.' Funky can not carry on living his life through me!
11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my coat before entering the house.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my arse across the carpet.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when visitors arrive.
16. Natalie's cat and chickens are not squeaky toys; so when I play with them and they makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally my last question: Dear God: Why is it impolite to shag Funky's leg while he talks to his mates down the pub?
