Funky and Friends

I'll relate the events as they 'appened,
A singular tale you'll agree,
'Bout the day that I fished the canal, Sir,
And the odd thing that 'appened to me!

'Twas a day, Sir, just like any other,
With a bit of a nip in the air,
And the one fish I'd managed to 'ook, Sir,
Was flapping about 'neath my chair.

Well, come five o'clock, it starts raining,
So thinkin' to call it a day,
I stowed all my gear in my basket,
And bent down to where the fish lay.

Now, you'd think after five or six hours,
The poor little sod would be dead,
But no, Sir, not this little fella,
He's flappin' quite lively instead!

Still, I popped 'im down into the basket,
Setting 'ome for a nice steamin' cuppa,
With thoughts of a night by the telly,
And a plate of fried fish for my supper.

But strange to relate, Sir... that evening,
With the flames dancin' under the skillet,
I opened the basket and out flopped the fish...
And I 'adn't the 'eart, Sir, to kill it!

Well, I looked down at 'im... and 'e looked up at me,
And I swear, Sir, 'e gave me a wink,
So I bunged up the plug'ole, turned on the water,
And popped the fish into the sink.

Next morning, at breakfast, I swear, Sir,
'E weren't in the sink any more,
For during the night, 'e'd some'ow got out,
And was floppin' about on the floor!

So I gave 'im a saucer o' milk, Sir,
And a bit o' me bacon and egg,
And I've never before in my life, Sir...
Seen a fish that could sit up an' beg!

Well, I gave 'im a box by the fireplace,
With some water, nearby, in a pail,
And he jumped in and out, all day long, Sir,
A-flappin' an' waggin' 'is tail!

The weeks flew and me and young Eric...
Oh!... that's what I called 'im, you see,
Well, Eric and I became buddies,
Like a pal was young Eric, to me.

I'd take 'im for walks in the garden,
Where 'e'd run up an' down on the lawn,
And I'd chuck 'im a stick and 'e'd fetch it,
Then 'e'd beg me to chuck it some more.

By now 'e'd been weaned right off water,
'e just didn't need it no more,
And at bedtime 'e'd flop up the staircase,
And sleep by my bed... on the floor.

So I fashioned a collar and lead, Sir,
And we ventured out into the street,
By 'eck!... 'ow the people did laugh, Sir,
At that cute little fish at my feet
.

Our favourite walk was the park, Sir,
Down the path, alongside the canal,
And most days you'd see us out walking,
Just me and young Eric, my pal.

Then one day I took off 'is lead, Sir,
And he flapped off ahead with a bound,
But 'e tripped and 'e fell in the water,
And the poor little bugger got drowned!!!

It is noticeable the number of people on here that cut and paste a news item into their blog then sit back and await comment? So I thought I might employ the same tactic here. I know that if I dig deep enough into the fetid bowels of Sky News archives they wouldn't let me down. It seems that in the since Christmas the Blood Transfusion Service are keen to encourage as many people as possible to make a donation.

'We realise that it's often difficult and inconvenient for people to visit our transfusion units," says spokesman Brian Stocking. 'Which is why, over the next few days, every household should receive a special blood donation envelope? This is a scheme we pioneered last year, with great success, and we're hopeful that this time around we will do even better."
Mr Stocking is keen to stress just how easy it is to give blood. There are no doctors or nurses, no expensive equipment or tests. All people will need to do is bleed into the envelope, seal it carefully and label it with the appropriate blood group. Authorised collectors will then be calling in most areas to pick them up sometime over the weekend. It's quick, clean and completely anonymous. And you can give as little or as much as you like, from the merest pinprick to the full eight pints (further envelopes are available on request).
And as an added incentive, the Blood Transfusion Service is offering tokens for every pint you donate. Collect fifteen and you can exchange them for a free spleen.

But Mr Stocking has a word of warning. 'Last year one or two jokers thought it would be funny to fill the envelopes with other substances," he explains. "We got envelopes full of soup, salad cream; bolognaise sauce - and one or two more unsavoury fluids. It's not big and it's not clever, so I would like to remind people to be more responsible."
Usually these substitutions are spotted in time, but in one or two well publicised cases it has led to some unfortunate problems. Most people are probably already aware of the plight of Mr H.P. Pippin of Poole in Dorset. Mr Pippin, whom certain sensationalist newspapers have notoriously labelled 'The Amazing Ketchup Man,' was in an accident and was rushed to hospital for an immediate transfusion. It was a simple enough procedure but distressingly, thanks to the efforts of one thoughtless prankster, Mr Pippin now has at least three pints of tomato sauce coursing through his cardiovascular system, and as a result he currently finds himself irresistibly drawn to sausages.
There you go. It must be true it was on the tele.

MY HOROSCOPE: LEO