Funky and Friends

Yesterday somebody else mentioned that this was running slowly. It's taking ages to write or comment! Today is even worse for me. anyone else got the same trouble?

The time is now 1618 exactly

Imbolc - Tomorrow 1st February

The Celtic spring begins on 1st February. It is a season of seeds and of great beginnings deep in the underground.
Imbolc means "in the belly" it is the time of first milk, of the birthing of spring lambs and the provision of milk and meat which meant survival to our forebears. To greet Imbolc was to notice the lengthening of days and the first visible signs that light and life were again returning to the land.

This is also a time to involve the Maiden by all Her Many Names. All of the Maidens have in common the aspects of youth and virginity. They represent the freshness of the new season .
Candlemas, another name for the festival, was originated by the Christian Church but came from a Pagan source. Roman Pagans held candlelight processions in honour of Juno and this festival has been used and adapted by the Christian Church.

Ketchup and Katsup are essentially the same thing. But a brown-sauce is not always a brown-sauce. The end is more like the beginning than you'd think. Any satisfaction you had about not having a police record, may be undone today.

Hi

I have got my vet to call him with her report so I await developments. My question is this. Are there any legal potholes I need to be aware of before I name and shame?

An Irish pastime. Good afternoon Matey LOL

And I was always told it would make me go blind?

Bloody Tony Blair?

Funky Aged 1 minute

Aged 1

Your friends will devour butterscotch in front of your face. The foetal position is not the same as the lotus position! It's back to yoga lessons for you my boy.

Hello Everyone, This is Baxter calling,
Thank  all  that knew it’s my birthday for your kind thoughts and felicitations. Apart from the silly old fart getting my age wrong, I have had a great day. I am three years old, not four as the rotund one reported to anyone that will listen. It's OK for him to wish his life away but leave me out of the equation, Pleeeeeze! 

   As many of you will know I had my own column on here at one time but Funky got jealous because of all the fan mail I got. I have to say that the only mail that the farmer got was from the taxman demanding a meeting. He was overjoyed that someone actually wanted to be in the same building as him, let alone the same room. I mustn't gloat fungus face has been really nice to me today, all in all. For instance, he kept his slippers on when he lifted me one under the tail this morning. It is usually steel toe caps. So you see he can be thoughtful if he tries.

   Once again thank you all very much. I am sincerely touched by your humility in the presence of greatness. I leave you with a little story as is my wont. 

I said a story GB. I didn't say a funny story,Nite all 'til next time.

There were four ducks that got arrested while messing
around at the pond.

The duck replied,"No sir, my name is Bubbles."

We took young Meg to the vets this morning. She is alive with lice, has a fatty hernia and was wormed too early! On the plus side oter that the heria physically she is fine.

For today it's FFF Furious Funky Farmer.

The time has come
The Walrus said
For me to crash
Me bleedin' 'ed

You know I was just moaning about the copyright issue and the football results? Well, they reckon that bad things come in threes.

Whatever happens Meg is here to stay. No question.

OMG! Can things get any worse?

I'm sure there is a length of suitable rope somewhere!

I leave my collection of Harry Lauder and Max Bygraves records to .......

LEO

You and your troll buddies will have a time trying to get that beer for free. You can't wedgie the shopkeeper, you know. See what I mean? YOU DO???????

Ms Funky has gone baby sitting and left yours truly to fend for himself.

Sound good?  It was  Buuuuurp!!!!

An Ode to Baxter

Dark and deep, I tunnel through,
Not sure what I will find.
The drive to dig through the earth,
Is inherent to my kind.

Soft soil yields to busy paws.
I snuffle like a pig.
Dirt in every orefice,
Onward do I dig!

I meet a hairy, ugly thing,
All teeth and nails, and MEAN!
It snarls and hisses, bites my nose.
To battle, I am keen!

I curse his life, his family's too.
Call him nasty names.
He yells right back and bites again.
These are terrier dog games.

The Scottish heart, so brave and bold.
Diehard through and through.
Fierce hunter,
Brave protector,
A bit of dreamer, too.

Some nitwit has me by the tail,
And tries to yank me back.
Damned I'll be to leave right now.
I live for the attack!

I lunge forth with my teeth ahead,
Big and pearly white.
And bite the ugly, stinkin' thing.
He's in for quite the fright!

I clamp down hard and hear him squeal.
Shake him to and fro.
I'll not give in until I've dealt
To him, the final blow.

Savagely we battle,
And wounded I persist.
Others would have given up
For war, I do exist.

The Scottish heart, so brave and bold.
Diehard through and through.
Fierce hunter,
Brave protector,
A bit of dreamer, too.

Hours later, the scene is still.
Vanquished is my foe.
I lick my paws, the victor,
Until I hear a screaming, "NO!"

"Oh Baxter, you're such a bad dog!
You destructive little pup!
I just bought that brand new teddy bear,
And you've gone and ripped it up!!"

The Scottish heart, so brave and bold.
Diehard through and through.
Fierce hunter,
Brave protector,
A bit of dreamer, too.

"Mmmmmm!" says Funky tucking into a small cake baked by Abbie aged three (with a bit of help) Lovely darling. The word 'rock' springs to mind. "What have we here? Oh a sultana and a raisen, a bit of peel. Oh, look a pea! Very inventive yum, sweetcorn. You are a clever girl, very imaginative. Yiiiikes!!!!! Is that what I think it is? That rabbit has to go.
Here, Baxter, a special treat for you mate.

Just fiddlin'

 We have made it back from sunny Skeggy area. Luckily the place we had to pick the pup up was Croft, not Friskney as previously thought. It's only a couple of miles down the road from Friskney and for once our SatNav took us to the door.

The round trip of nearly 200 miles took us dead on six hours and that includes picking puppy up, not bad really. I did take a few snaps along the way but that will have to be another time. To be honest I think I have overdone it a bit and find breathing a bit difficult, so I will leave it at that.

Baxter, look a rug rat!

Don't be so silly, Jenna. Its MEGAN

If that's the excitment over, I think I will have another 40 winks.

Good morning.

Photos of said puppy will follow upon the ex-exhaulted ones return

What!! ...... WHAAT?

I was suffering jet lag from a return trip to Newcastle but it has passed and I feel quite awake now for a change. There hasn't been a lot happening here, that is one of the downsides of arable farming, It's either all rush and tear or complete and utter boredom.
 

PaddyUK has asked why I do this blogging lark. Well, it gives an interest as I have severe breathing problems in cold weather, so I’m housebound a lot in the winter. That apart I get to know so many lovely people. I bet if any one of my new friends were to see me standing by the roadside wheezing away, they would help me across, whether I wanted to go or not! Joking apart I have received so much help from everyone over the last few weeks, since I started this. It is incredible. First I would like to thank my Mum and Dad for having me and also my grand parents for having them. My surgeon for leaving me one lung.Then there is the little old lady who... OK, I won't inflict the rest on you .  Suffice to say thanks to you all.  

   It's at this time of the year that most of us realise how fortunate we are to have  relatively minor problems in our lives compared with what some have to endure and that we are able to enjoy the simple things in life. Such as a pee when we are bursting! Ah! What joy that brings.
 

It brings a tear to my eye when I think of the suffering of thirteen-year-old Barry Kemp who has never taken a bath in his whole life.  Neither has he taken a shower or experienced the joys of a wet face cloth or a damp sponge.  This is because Barry suffers from an extremely rare and potentially fatal condition - he is soluble in water.    Whilst an inability to bathe may not necessarily perturb the average teenage boy, Barry's condition has affected him in other ways.  He is, for example, unable to do many of the things that lads of his age take for granted.  Swimming is definitely out. And because he is unable to take showers, he is excused games at school and has to stay behind in the changing rooms with the fat lads who have forgotten their kit. 

Food and drink is also a problem for young Barry.  A particularly juicy apple could, in principle, dissolve most of his face, and a glass of lemonade could literally eat him away from the inside.     There is very little hope for Barry, as the medical profession has no real practical experience of his problem.  In fact, there is only one other case on record, and that ended in tragedy.  In 1983, fellow sufferer Harry Hickman was out walking his dog when he was caught in a rainstorm.  He tried to run for cover, but it was too late.  To this day, his parents still keep him on the sideboard in a large plastic bucket. 

   Well, That's me lot, dear friends just be grateful for what you have eh! 'til next time try to be good and be happy. As I said to Ms Funky the other day when she commented about my grey hair. 'I'm still blonde enough to be scatty yet grey enough to be wise'   

 There hows that? If I hadn’t started blogging you wouldn’t have been able to have  read this! And what a gap would have been left in your education. The mind boggles. 

Heeeelp!!! I feel the need to write but I am blocked in da brain dept. Some kind soul please give me a subject and a challenge. Nothing too controversial tho

Good Evening, Since so many bloggers are calling in sick, Funky and Friends decided in the absence of detective Irish to look into the situation and see what we might do to help. We spent absolute minutes researching in the local pub and came to the conclusion that plain old fashioned indolence was the root cause of all such wotsits. we then went on to devise a mind and body stretching routine that bloggers can practice whilst sitting back awaiting inspiration.  

   The beauty of this workout is that it also introduces the participant to the joys of poetry as a bonus. Things will get even more artistic when the following mantra gets set to music. Who knows? Perhaps we have the seeds of a whole new cult following here. OK, are you ready? Be serious please.  This is no laughing matter!  Some researchers get paid millions for this sort of thing.  

   Five fuzzy caterpillars On a spring day (Hold up five fingers) Come on Nate,  Thats only four   

Five fuzzy caterpillars crawl and play (Crawl five fingers up arm) Geez-o-Pete! Put some effort into it you lot. It's for your own good you know? 

 Five fuzzy caterpillars eat and eat some more (make chewing noise) FUNKY!!!! That is DIS-GUS-TING Put yer teef back in.   

  Five fuzzy caterpillars we can see no more (hold hand above eyes and look around) Just get on with GB will you? It's not our fault you poked yourself in the eye.   

 Each in a chrysalis they will stay, 'til they are butterflies and fly away. (place two thumbs together, spread fingers out and 'fly') Tune in your ear trumpet Mama. I said chrysalis not "lets go out on the p***"   

 That wasn't bad, One more time tho. I can hardly hear you. 

  There you go. Don't you feel better already? I just don't know how we do it? Educational, inspirational and physically exhausting all in one simple exercise. Keep up the regime for only one week and I can guarantee you will be as mad as we are.  

  Disclaimer: No animals except Baxter's mate 'Marley' were used in this experiment and then only as a flea donor as butterflies are hard to come by at this time of year 

I'm cashing in
Me coupons
I'm 'anging up
Me suit
It's finally
Official
I'm a certified
old coot

I knew
One day
Me time
Would come
So this is REALLY it
Goodbye
Pete the Younger
Hello
Pete the daft Old git

Hello! Funky Calling!
I wonder who invented Mondays? I hate Mondays with a passion, the beginning of a new pile of crap is how I usually view Mondays and 'Boy', was I right today?

Please take a moment to look here and leave a comment. Mention my name as I'm on commission.
A NEW MEMBER WITH AN INTERESTING STORY
www.campingcar.blog.co.uk
I can't get this to work for me but he is on my friends list

Idea pinched from Miramaze

20. For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for pee breaks

It is sad to note that we appear, according to my new dictionary/thesaurus, to live in an age of impropriety, boorishness and general discourtesy. That the greater portion of mankind has descended to the level of the loutish mob is deeply regrettable. Drunken lasciviousness, rampant hedonism and unconscionable carnality may be fun, oh yes, but can we really respect ourselves in the morning? There are certain standards and protocols that have become lost to us in this modern era of underage drinking, split crotch panties and salt and vinegar flavoured peanuts. I propose a return to these ideals, and to this end I would like to submit the following: examples of etiquette copied from a dated volume found whilst clearing out my grandfather's study. My hope is that society may be encouraged to readopt these principals, and that we may all be the better for it.

Part 2 of this enlightening series can be found here at a later date ( If I can be bothered)

Trojan.Peacomm is a Trojan horse that drops a driver program file to download additional security threats.

A killer at 11, he's free at 21 and kill again!
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has kicked German Chancellor Angela Merkel
British Muslims Genocide
Naked teens attack home director.
230 dead as storm batters Europe.
Re: Your text

A young blue collar type working guy couldn't help but stare at an impossibly classy and gorgeously stylish woman walking towards him on the sidewalk. Just as they met she tripped and fell against his arm.

She smiled as she patted him on the arm and said, "Well, ordinarily I wouldn't you know, but you just happened to catch my eye."

This is a Big Brother free zone.
Baxter and I are sick to the back teeth with reality TV, Reality? Give us a break! PLEEEEEEEEEZE.

There are brave lifeboat and helicopter crews battling to save 26 souls in a storm lashed Atlantic, off of the Lizard. Risking their own lives doing so and what fills the rolling news?

Jane Gobby and some arrogant never been heard of before now tempremental actress! who will walk away from this a millionairess.

God, help us preserve our fragile sanity

Good EveningThis is just a little extra you lucky people I have been doing a bit of blog hopping this evening whilst eating my supper. there are several journals posting the subject being 'You know your from ... Bob has posted one on NY and Danger another on MI and very funny they are too. The best I can come up with for England, after absolute minutes research is this guide for American tourists. I know it's a serious subject for Funky to be posting but then it is Thursday after all.
 *This was first published to the web in 1996 so things have moved on a bit since then but the basic tennets remain the same. A bit like the bible in a lot of ways!

Jo's Completely Factual and Not At All Juvenile Guide for Americans Visiting Britain

Vocabulary

Universities

Food

That's it, duty done and I feel as relieved as a relieved thing. as Baldick might have said. To say I hate driving these days is an understatement. I detest it even more when it's pouring with rain and involves motorways. M1 - M25 - M4 - M329. A good selection there don't you think?
MIL is fine and basking in all the attention after her heart scare.

Well, my friends. Thats it for today for this poor old wrinkly is knackered.

I have been posed the question 'Is the way to a man's heart through his stomach?  I suppose that filling a mans belly is very important to keep him content and at home but what if he is not at home? Say, for instance he is serving abroad, in the army, or even if he is incarcerated behind bars, what then? Judging by the following research the answer lies in cakes. Yes you read it right! CAKE  Proving that some urban myths can have at least a grain of truth in them.
 

Thomas Pendlebury, the governor of Dartmoor prison, reports that there were no less than five attempts last year to smuggle files into the prison inside fruit cakes.  However, these incidents are just the tip of the iceberg.  Amongst some of the other items discovered within confiscated confectionery were an assortment of power tools, fourteen duplicate keys, half a dozen rope ladders and a chainsaw.   Previous finds have included a moped wedged between the layers of a Victoria sponge, and a tunnelling machine that was smuggled into the prison grounds cunningly disguised as a blancmange.  However, these incidents would have to go a long way to beat the now notorious attempt in 1983 to smuggle the whole of D wing out of the prison in a raspberry cheesecake.  The plot very nearly succeeded, and was only foiled at the last moment when an eagle-eyed young warder noticed that the cheesecake was past its sell-by date. 

   This plot may have been the inspiration for the disastrous 'Operation DeathCake,' undertaken by the SAS during the Gulf War.  The plan was for a squad of highly trained commandos to smuggle themselves into Saddam Hussein's secret war bunker disguised as a Black Forest gateau, assassinate the Iraqi leader using explosive walnuts, then escape in a dinghy hidden in an apricot and rhubarb flan.  The scheme went tragically awry when the gateau was intercepted by a sweet-toothed member of Sadism's elite Republican Guard, who found its dark, rich chocolate and creamy filling irresistible.  Three of the squad were eaten instantly, and one man only escaped after being badly nibbled.  To this day, Lieutenant Hugo Lucas still cannot look a chocolate mousse in the face. 

  Ooops!  Look at the time?  I better get back to vacuuming!., big day ahead tomorrow. We are off to Bracknell to visit M I L Oh joy!!!

Byeeeee

Good afternoon my reader.

I received this report earlier. I cannot guarantee the validity so emplore you to keep it under your hat. If you don’t have a hat then down the back of your pants or knickers will do just fine.

Respect MP, George Galloway has disappeared and thought to be in hiding today after news broke, that Iraq had executed two of Saddam's top aides and are to press the UK to extradite Galloway to be tried and hung for being one of the evil dictators closest aides and advisers.

Galloway, the ex-celebrity big brother star, ex-labour MP, ex-human being and outright communist has been under investigation by US intelligence and MI6 for sometime it was announced today and is believed that Galloway knows the whereabouts of Saddam's vast personal fortune and porn stash.

A MI6 spokesman stated today, "I can confirm that we have had Galloway under intense investigation over the last few months and we believe that Galloway was a close aide and supporter of Saddam. Circumstantial evidence leads us to believe that Mr Galloway knows where Saddam has stashed his money and his porn. After a raid on his home this morning we discovered £500 billion of gold bullion in his spare bedroom and boxes of various pornographic magazines such as "Playcamel", "Deep- throat Goats" and "Buxom Sheep".

Saddam's Nephew, Hamad Hussein, who asked not to be named in case he was hung, stated, "I would like to confirm that there was no political relationship between dear old uncle Saddam and Mr Galloway - It was purely sexual!"

Hussein continued, "It was love at first sight, Saddam always said that he found Mr Galloway attractive because his face reminded him of a camel's arse!"

A nationwide appeal was launched and a reward is being offered for information leading to the capture of Mr Galloway. The public are reminded not to approach Mr Galloway, as he is very unstable character. Unconfirmed reports have indicated Galloway has been seen dressed in woman's clothes and has changed his name to Mary.

 

Tony Blair was later forced to make a statement on the executions in Iraq and went on the record by stating, "Although I cannot be seen to condone Iraq executing Saddam and his sidekicks, I am sure the whole country will back me when I say, in the case of George Galloway, we can make an exception."

It has been a sureal sort of day so far. The morning got off to a racing start with a phone conversation between Ms Funky and our eldest daughter at about 7AM. Evidently Ms F had tidings of woe for said offspring that warranted a call at that hour.

 Hi, Hows things?

Good

You don’t say!

Can you get me a book from Smiffs

Not sure but I think it’s called 99,999 more foods that can kill you.

Yes, that’s it. This guy also reckons that cockroaches are related to lobsters. I’m never going to eat lobster again.

OK byeeee

This is all from a woman who has never eyeballed a ‘roach in her life! And the first and last time she had lobster she spat it out, complaining it tasted like fishy string! Don’t even go there, I have no idea if she has eaten string for comparison either. However, her conversation got me thinking of ways to solve one of mankinds longest running pest problems, and I think I may have came up with a solution.

First we declare them an "endangered species", I've noticed that this alone nearly always leads to a species demise,but just in case...

Second we spread the rumour in the far east, that ground up cockroach antennae powder is a powerful aphrodisiac, I chose the antenna becase it will take about a million roaches to make an ounce of this stuff and I have noticed that there seems to be a single-minded drive for aphrodisiacs over there, must be something in the water, even the pandas have a problem!

What do you think?

With that I’m of to drop the annointed one off at the station and then to the hospital to have my stitches out. Oh, halcion days.

Can somebody tell me who it is that picks the top 20 blogs on here?
From what I can see, apart from a couple of notable exceptions the rest are rubbish. If these are the best the god help us all!
What's BDSM when it's at home? Very centre of the road that is I would imagine. Just the sort of thing a new blogger would get inspiration from  Especially the young school kids!

OK I have worked it out .... some sort of driving school. That's OK then.

I made an error today folks and I don't know how long I can live with the shame.I don’t know why I bother going into towns. I hate them with a passion and as for shopping! Least said soonest mended. I’m really in the crap here. Ms Funky has bought me home like some errant kid, promising never to speak to me again. And I was only out an hour!

“Just a coffee please sweetheart” I said affably.

I heard someone call me an “uncultured oaf” but when I turned around to see who had muttered the insult there was a distinct lack of admittance from the responsible party.

“Two sugars please” I said, still trying to be affable about it all even though I was slowly bubbling away inside like a geyser that’s about to throw superheated water hundreds of feet into the air.

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I felt the bile rise in my throat and the blood started to course through my veins. All my special forces training abandoned I snapped and spun around on my heel.

“ALL RIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU TWATS SAID THAT?” I bellowed. “COME ON! WHO WAS IT?”

I pointed my finger at him “What is your problem pal?” I said with venom in my voice, “it’s because of soulless, ball less, suit wearing, money grabbing, fuckin’ yuppie numbnuts like you I have to go through five minutes of questioning and interrogation in order to get a cup of fricking coffee... so don’t even think about giving me attitude just because I don’t buy into all this crap... shut your fucking face  before I wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze until your small, insignificant, pea sized, one track mind pops out your ocular sockets.... if you don’t mind I'd like to get my coffee and get the hell outta this place before I lose my mind and do what the rest of you cattle in the herd seem to be doing and start to think that I'm a  lemming.”

A very good day to one and all.I have been asked to do a guest blog this fine afternoon, I am very happy to oblige.  First I would like to present you with a short profile.My name is Gladys, I was born on the 18th May 2005.

My formative years were mostly tied up with training for the British Olympic Solo Synchronised Swimming Team. I came sixty forth out of sixty three the main reason that I bombed so disastrously is that when I went through my swimming on my back routine, some fool scooped me out of the pool with a net. He had mistaken my inactivity with being, how shall we say? yes that's it! Dead.  

 After giving up my sport for love I went on to have 47,000 children! Well, dear reader you can imagine what that can do to ones figure! it just wasn't good enough. I asked Fred, for that was his name, to take precautions but oh no, he was a typical selfish male! Would he take responsibility? No way. So I had to, I ate him. That did the trick. 

   Since being widowed I have come to live with Funky and co. I have my own apartment with an all round panorama. It is a bit small I grant you but strawberry jam is only sold in medium sizes jars, off trade but living on top of the dresser has it's advantages. When I think of any I will let you know. Oh did I mention that I'm a goldfish? Oh, how remiss of me. Perhaps now other creatures apart from dogs might get a look in here!
 
I see Baxter from my vantage point practising signing books. Who does he think he is Snoopy?   I think that's all I can think of to tell you about myself at the moment, you see, we piscitorians have only a marginally longer attention span than Funky. So writing this has been a bit of an effort.   I have been asked to tell you that Funkys fingers are getting better and he will soom be able to have a shower. Thank cod for that! 

Glug, glug

Gladys D'Fyshe (Widow)

As many instructional videos, books and online thingies will tell you that your computer has no form of intelligence or conscious thought, it is merely a tool. They are of course lying. They are nasty little devils, as you will soon be made aware of by the brain injected information you will no doubt procure from this informative and squidgy article.

How does my computer work? (please tell me, please!)

Computers work using a system known as binary. This, as the name suggests, means that they consist of lots of bits and bytes and rams and things all chucked into a metal case with a green light stuck on the front with a bit of chewing gum. (NB: Some machines have a red light on the front. This is a sign that they are defective and must be immediately returned to the manufacturer with a violently worded demand for a refund.)

Even though that brief overview left you sitting there thinking "WOW! now I know everything there is to know about computers!", we are going to reinforce your newly found genius by looking at how they work in greater detail. Because we want to, and there isn't anything you can do about it (insane laughter "ha ha ha " etc.). Despite what you may think, your computer is just a machine and cannot hurt you, unless it falls on you from an upstairs window or you get your face caught in the printer or cooling fan or something.

Mouse Mat & Processor

The most important component in a computer is fast becoming known as the MMX. This stands for Mouse Mat, with an X on the end to make it sound all technical and important (like with "Playstation", "Malcolm" or "Bacon and"). The mouse mat contains thousands of micro-logic circuits which calculate little things known as "binary stuff". Once calculatorized, the "binary stuff" is sent via cables, or airmail, to a less important component called the processor or CPU (the P stands for processor and the C and U don't mean anything). A processor is a little flat thing mad of solid black plastic.

Hard Drive

You may think that a "hard drive" is London to Manchester in under 3 hours, or straight onto the green on a par 4, but it is in fact a hard thing that lives inside your computer whether you like it or not. A bit like a squatter. This disk (as it is now safe to call it, as we can categorically confirm that yes, it is indeed a disk) stores a sticky plasticine like substance, known as data, until it is needed. It is normally needed when you wish to save information from your computer, which is done by forcing fluffy jelly babies to make imprints in the squidgyness with their bare hands. The "Hard Drive" is an internal component of your PC, it has no user serviceable parts inside, the jelly babies are NOT edible, and it can not be removed as any attempt will result in the breakdown of the fabric of the space/time continuum, severe enough to cause total destruction, annihilation and vegetarianism in the universe as we know it, unless you're a qualified repair man.

Floppy Drive

A floppy drive is just like a hard drive except for the fact that it is floppy, ie. It's a floppy hard drive. What once was hard is now floppy, hardness begat floppiness. To insert a floppy disk into the floppy drive, both items must be strengthened with wooden splints as excess floppiness could be hazardous in an unventilated room. Floppy disks have been designed by major manufacturers as a cost effective method of transmitting unwanted viruses.

The Hamster

The hamster is a small device, usually found on top of the mouse mat, attached to the computer by a small cable. It is, for obvious reasons, named a hamster (because of it's preference for dried sunflower seeds and running around in a little wheel). The primary function of the hamster is to give you something furry to hold onto with your right hand when using the computer.

The Red L.E.D. (Light emitting doodah)

The LED is there so that you can see in the dark when using your computer at night. It also doubles as a torch. If you are going out at night then you can take your PC with you to guide your path in the evil darkness. The LED is essentially an essential household essential and makes re-mortgaging the house to buy a PC all seem worthwhile.

CD-ROM

CD-ROMs are a waste of money and a con. No PC worth it's weight in breakfast cereal free gifts should have one. They are only installed to provide a few minutes of entertainment for the user, who watches the draw open and close electronically and apparently by magic. If you really do need CD access on your PC then just glue a cheap Hi-Fi to the front and install a copy of "Microsoft - I've just sellotaped my stereo to my computer", widely available on CD-ROM.

Monitor

A monitor is a telly, not a very good one though, since you can't get satellite or cable (or telly). This problem was discovered only after production had begun, and custom jelly moulds had been manufactured, so at present there is little they can do to rectify the problem, although a software upgrade may be in the pipeline.

Sound Card

The sound card is a thin sheet of cardboard. No-one has been able to determine why, but when this cardboard is inserted into a computer it emits exactly the required sounds at exactly the required times. Convenient.

Memory

I thought I might be lazy and leave another to introduce my home village of Harrold

Ummmmm? How do I make this a clickable link? HEEEEEEELP!!!!!!

Wey hey! Thanx mama

The advent of online shopping such as Tesco.com has no doubt changed the way we shop.  For example, the net now means that we can do the weekly supermarket shopping in our underwear.  In fact, I used to do that anyway, before the internet.  Eventually I got banned from Tesco’s for shopping in my underwear, well that and licking the conveyor-belt while masturbating, but I'm sure they just had something against me. However, none of that matters now, as I can Show you how to make online shopping an entertaining experience.

Shopping List 1:
1 x Large Marrow
1 x 25ml Tub of Vaseline
4 x Romantic Candles
1 x Findus  microwave Lasagne for One

 Shopping List 2:
30 x Bottles of Meths
15 x Bottles of Bleach
25 x Bottles of Paint Stripper
1 x Bag of  ice cubes
1 x 1pint Glass Tumbler 

Shopping List 3:
50 Bottles of Paraffin
1 x Box of Matches
1 x "Map & Guidebook to Historic Buildings in Bedfordshire"
1 x Fuji Single Use Camera 

Special Requirements & Substitutions:

Tesco.com has a field next to each item you order to allow you to specify special requirements for that product.  For example; with Banana you mights write "Only small and slightly under-ripe bananas please".  You may also specify one or more substitutions for products that are out of stock.  So for example when buying Jam Donuts you can specify Toffee Donuts as an acceptable substitution.  At least, this is how Tescos think you will use this facility (they are so naive....) Suggested Special Requirement Descriptions to try:

Description: "A banana, golden like the early morning rays of sunlight over the ancient Tibetan mountains of Shangrala, glistening in it's own banana-ness, with a curve that subtly suggests the gentle poetic movement of the green space station from Babylon 5"

Product:  Large Pumpkin

Description: "Suitable for fettish-based bodily insertions.  No larger than average or slightly-above-average diameter rectum please.
Acceptable Substitutions:  Spring Onion. 

 Special Delivery Instructions:

Tesco.com allow you, the nice customer, to attach special delivery to your order.  The intention is for you to say things like "Please ring the doorbell on the side-door" or "Ring buzzer for access to the flats".  Once again, we think such sensible use is unlikely. 

Suggested Special Delivery Instructions:

"Please indicate the delivery has arrived by slapping the willow tree with the "425g Fresh Haddock" included in the order"

"Please deliver the order using a van that has been driven to the address using only 1st and 3rd gears.  Use of other gears will cause the delivery to be rejected."  Make sure your order consists only of a bottle of Transmission Fluid. 

 Other Suggestions:

Answer the door to the delivery man wearing only a leather face mask, with your body smeared all over in peanut butter.  Upon opening the door, shout back into the house excitedly "Granny!  The root vegetables have arrived!  It won't be long now."

Register a delivery address for every house in your street except your own.  Then place an order for every house, with the same delivery time, ordering just "one turnip" to each address.  Then, watch the confusion.  The ideal scenario is that each turnip does not come in a bag or anything, just turns up to each address with a bloke carrying a single turnip and a clipboard. 

If you attempt any of the above, let me know how it turns out

 Standing impressively in a car park on The Interchange retail park, The Snack Attack Eat n' Go had our mouths watering the moment we arrived. The menu - although not extensive - was adequate enough to suit the tastes of even the most discerning eaters.

Lincoln 1

After a lot of oohing and aahing, her indoors finally gave in to the lure of the quarter-pound burger with cheese, with an extremely generous portion of chips for accompaniment served in a white polystyrene tray. We decided to share them.

Stella Artois

The whole experience cost us just £7.22 pence. Extremely good value, we both agreed.

Food 4*
Service 3*
Value  5*

Keep looking. What do you see?

There are a few things that I need to say regarding one of my
 most favoured foods. Dating back to 1730 (That's
halfpast five to you), fish and chips have had a long
standing as Britain's best fast food.  Fish and chips
are not served in newspaper. The news paper thing is from the
fairly recent past.  The reason for the use of yesterday's
news to serve this find product was not just our century old
tradition of recycling but of course cost.  Being that modern newspaper print is a little toxic people started going off the concept of eating food from it.

When I go to Brighton or any other seaside town, the Fish And
Chip Shop (A.K.A. Chip Shop, Chippie), is my first port of
call.  There is something magical about the Chippie, it
contains so many memories whether childhood; the first time
I went by myself and bought my first bag of chips or
juvenile; the first time I got drunk and bought a bag of chips
on the way home from the pub. The bag of chips probably ended
up in someone's front garden, with me attached to it!

What else will you find on offer in this low cholesterol environment? Well, apart from those classic pies. The young ladies of the
Chippie, sixth from school girls being the employee of the
choice, will have deep fried sausages (sausages in batter),
saveloys (a type of sausage that has had far more exposure
to a loaf of bread than a pig) and fish cakes (some love them). The there's pickled eggs, pickled onions and very tasty gherkins (pickled cucumber) I had better mention Kebabs as well or I wil incur the wrath of Jules!! ,,,  . They have taken to frying all manner of things in batter these days, even Mars bars, so I'm told on good authority by Baxter. I wonder if they do underpants.

Take a look here. It's amazing

http://fcmx.net/vec/get.swf?i=003702

BBC bosses are said to be delighted about their new programme schedules for the spring.

"We haven't got all figures costed in just yet but we believe that it will be well under 50 quid, thus leaving tons for us to pay our grossly inflated salaries"

These little funnies made me fill my colostomy bags to near critical mass with hilarity and evil smelling effluent. See what they do for you.

If you have any bladder loosening problems of your own, feel free to email them to me in confidence and I will immediatly post on here. I stock a lovely line of incontinence pants, all in different colours. They are second hand but very lightly stained. A bargain not to be sniffed at! 35p ono. 

I thought some might enjoy this,

COME LITTLE LEAVES
by George Cooper

Dancing and whirling the little leaves went;
Winter had called them and they were content-
Soon fast asleep in their earthy beds,
The snow laid a soft mantle over their heads

by funky

1. I am ...  Unique. Just like everyone else
2. I will ... be slamming in the lamb in a bit.  
3. I want ... to see our boys out of the middle east
4. I see ...scudding clouds
5. I need ...for nothing

You guys need to fill this in for yourselves and then tag 5 more people

 petbrial

neilemac

smitty5000

cynweav

Baxter

 My daughter Lucy, has recently flown the nest and has gone to live with here Beau, James in Milton Keynes. There is only one plus in the situation that I can think of and that is the resolving of a major sock problem in our house that has been going on for years. 

 I just couldn't believe the enormity of this problem.  I used to try to keep my socks separate, in a basket in the bedroom, not letting anyone near them and certainly not putting them in the family washing basket.  If I did they would disappear.  Either someone else takes them (which starts up a massive argument about “You're wearing my socks!”), or they  simply just disappear into thin air, never to be seem again.   Ms Funky had a carrier bag in the kitchen for the odd socks that come out of the washing machine or dryer, planning to pair them up when the other sock turns up.  Only the other sock NEVER did turn up and I was left with a carrier bag containing about 17 odd socks. 

WHERE DID THEY ALL GO? I can tell you it wasn't Baxter cos he isn’t interested, or Jenna because her preferred snack is knickers. Hmmm no prizes for guessing who then, Eh LU!   I have just had a brilliant idea!!!! Start up a SOX REUNITED, web site to find homes for orphaned or misplaced hose.

Here is a maths question for ya. If you have 12 green socks and 18 blue socks in a tumble drier.  How many do you have to pull ot before you have a pair?

Greetings my reader.

It’s funny how the brain works isn’t it. All my life has been devoted to both structural and mechanical engineering, as an artisan, not a graduate. In the Army I was a vehicle artificer specialising I marine engines. I civvy street I worked for several structural engineering firms. I can fabricate just about anything out of steel then go and install or erect. I then went back to mechanical stuff in the agricultural sphere. If you have a combine or tractor playing up then I’m the guy to call. All these jobs required me be able to 1: Read drawings

            2: interpret the written word

            3: Have a passing acquaintance with the English language

Ok, you have my CV. Here is my dilemma! Why the heck can’t I put together a flat pack kitchen cabinet in less that three goes?

Why can’t I get my head around the instructions for my new video camera?

I’m so ‘fed up’ I could throttle a ferret! I’m beginning to think I’m going Gaga.

Does anyone else have this problem?  

OK, I’m off for an hour or three in my cryogenic chamber to cool off

TTFN or longer.

Funky is bloody furious! I expect you have all heard of the case of five-year-old Ellie Lawrenson, who was mauled to death by a pit bull terrier, Ellie died after being attacked at her grandmother's home in St Helen's, Merseyside, on New Year's Day.Her Granny was also badly hurt as she tried to get the dog away from Ellie. My question is wasn’t this breed of dog was banned?

OK it was the pit bull that killed the little mite but the dog is not to blame. The scumbag of the drug dealing uncle who owned it is. All dogs will turn if provoked enough and lets face it to a five year old ,eyes, ears and tails are there to be poked, prodded or pulled, the difference is that dangerous dogs don’t just let out a stifled growl and seek sanctuary under the table. They go for the throat and won’t let go once they are ‘locked on’.

On a lighter note I have posted some pics on me other blog. Please take a squint

I'll tell you a tale strange but true, Sir,
And you can believe it or not,
But I swear every word, Sir, is Gospel,
A liar is one thing I'm not!

Anonish

Good Afternoon,
I have no idea, as I sit here, what I'm going to talk about today. Funny isn't it, how sometimes you can just rattle off a script as long as a toilet roll and other times one hits a brick wall, I expect it's to do with the slowdown in the pace of life around here after all the festivities. Summer is but a vague memory and I have the need to feel the sun on my back again. Time to see all those pretty ladies out and about in their skimpies! Did I just say that? Well, I'm allowed, because I'm 104 you know! Never mind things will liven up on Saturday, when my son Simon gets here. Don't forget all those that can make it. 8 pm. The Oakley Arms, High St, Harrold is where it's all going to be happening. Be there or be square. OK?

If you're lonely, don't be afraid to immerse yourself in a crowd. Then
you'll feel insignificant too. Bored? Hey, that's understandable. Spend a
lot of money on a new gadget. There are two kinds of people in this world:
Those who say 'rubbers' and those who say 'erasers' when describing
pencil-mark-removing tools.

I have been struggling here for ages, since 4pm actually. Trying to sort things out for myself, rather than having people do things for me all the time! I was shown the ropes this afternoon by my lady friend that Baxter was alluding to yesterday. What a patient lady! Well she was! Funny how she suddenly decided that time was running out and she really fancied a bacon sarnie and needs to go home to feed the cat anyway. I have even driven vegetarians mad now! All joking apart, thanks a lot. I still can’t fathom the intricacies of it all but I haven’t got the heart to tell her she has wasted all afternoon.

All is quiet now, as it approaches nine in the evening. As I sit by the fire feet up and a cuppa by my side and watching my adopted gold fish. I got to thinking during a reflective moment; the reason that all fish are paranoid is that they have no necks. Look, it's obvious when you think about it: if a fish hasn’t got a neck, it can't look over its shoulder; and if it can't look over its shoulder, it's bound to get a bit jumpy, isn't it?  And, let's face it; no one wants a mentally deranged fish.I first became aware of this problem a couple of months ago.  A neighbour of mine - she's dead now, by the way, but that's another story - well she had this goldfish called Happy Shopper.  Now, Happy Shopper was... and before you ask, I don't know why she called it 'Happy Shopper'.  It was something that I always meant to ask her, but you know how it is - the question never gets asked, because there's always something that crops up - any one of the hundreds of piffling little distractions that dog our trivial lives.   The last thing that cropped up was a sixteen ton truck.  I remember seeing her standing there, frozen in terror in the middle of the road as this dirty big lorry came screeching around the corner.  I recall thinking to myself, "My God! This is probably the final chance I'll ever have to ask why she called her goldfish 'Happy Shopper'," but before I could get the question out, she was already wrapped around the back axle and on her way to Bedford.  Poor soul.Anyway, 'Happy Shopper' was something of a misnomer: not only was the poor creature extremely unhappy, but its one and only experience of shopping had ended up with it being thrown out of the supermarket for interfering with a tin of salmon.  It wasn't difficult to see that it was its inability to see what was behind it that was at the root of its behavioural problems.  Oh yes, when it comes to fish, I know how to spot all the symptoms.  When I was younger I used to have an imaginary mackerel, so I understand their inner motives.  What was needed was some sort of device that could equip the fish with 360º vision, thus allaying its fears of being taken roughly from the rear.And so I set to it, designing and building an ingenious pair of spectacles, with built-in periscopes pointing backwards.  It was quite intricate and detailed work, and it took me almost a month, often working until the small hours of the morning.   But when they were finished, they were a work of art, and I was justly proud.   Of course, it wasn't until I went next door to try them on that I realised my mistake - you can't put glasses on a fish, because they have no ears.  So I fitted him with wing mirrors instead.Oh well, that will do. I'm off to try and sort my header out now! Gawd knows what I have done to it? I just can’t put a pic in above the header? And there was I feeling so good about things, I suppose I should have known better! Help! I need Help! OK Baxter, I heard that and it wasn't very nice! Mental help indeed?
 PS Tee Hee I forgot to include the pictures  ROFL Tags work fine tho

Baxter calling, Baxter calling. Can you hear me out there mother?Oh that's OK then, a tweak on the old ear trumpet might help a bit!Ah, there you are!  I thought I might be talking to myself there for a wee minute. Funky does that all the time and look at the state of him? 

Things have been quiet from a terriers point of view this week, I haven't done much except my usual rounds of the known mouse holes and rides in the Fourtrac but I spose that is better than being outside in the rain. I get to see quite a lot that would otherwise be invisible to one so short. For instance I see partridge, pheasant, hares, rabbits, deer I even saw a fox last Tuesday. Funky wouldn't let me out and at him coz he thought I might get beaten up! What does he think I am?  Some sort of wuss? I will have you know we Baxters were at the battle of Balaclava. OK as Lord Cardigan's lap dog but nonetheless we had what they call 'a presence.' 

Looks like we are in for an adventure tomorrow (Tuesday) We are going to PCWorld to buy a new mouse. That sounds yummy. I seem to remember the one he has now didn't taste all that good and old misery said I was lucky not to burn my eyes with the laser something or other? Whatever, it tasted awful so I only gave it a little nibble and dribbled over it a bit. I really can't see why he has got the bloomin' hump? Some people just can't take a joke. It's Mrs Funky who will have the last word when he arrives back having bought half the store as 'must have' items. I just love it when he gets 'cold shoulder' for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Then he will know how I felt when I sniffed at his mouse. Sort of. Well, sniffed and licked. OK, I ate the thing.

Me thinks 'tis time for a little humour around here to lighten the mood. Here is one that was emailed to me at my fan club:

 Old woman; Can you get me a cup of tea?

Old man; yes

Old woman; Do you want to writ it down?

Old man; No I'll remember. 

Old woman; Can I have some cereal?

Old man; Sure

Old woman; Want to write it down? 

Old man; No I'll remember

Old man goes into the kitchen starts cooking a massive fry up, he takes it to his wife and she says 'Where's the fried bread?'
 
Well, I said it was a joke, I didn't say it was a FUNNY joke. Anyway, It was from America so that probably accounts for it  ROFL Bye for now. See you again soon.Baxter 

"New Year's Resolutions - 2007 Edition"
We all make resolutions that we really know we have no chance of keeping. My main one for this year was to spend less time sitting here idling my life away and to get to bed at a reasonable hour each night.
Right! That worked just fine on the very first day as I stagger up the stairs at 12:30am? So I spose that one is outta the window til next year. It's all someone else's fault though, never mine! Is it my fault I have such a magnetic, yet self deprecating personality? Being pernickety doesn't help either; there is always something that needs tidying up., my typing, grammar and spelling usually.

RESOLUTION #5
2001: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2002: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2003: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2004: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2005.
2005: I will be totally out of debt by 2006.
2006: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2007.
2007: I will try to be out of the country by 2008.
So there you have it. A dismal failure is what I am! Never mind eh! Just keep trudging ever onwards towards perfection is what I say.